Catching Up

I know I haven't posted here for a very long time. See, almost immediately after I found out I was lesbian, I realized that the traditional Jewish system didn't want me. I couldn't quite fathom getting close to God through a system that didn't accept me, and I pushed myself away. I still kept kosher and observed Shabbat, and I went to services and led and read Torah for the sake of the community, but that was it.

It was my father who pulled me back during a conversation that lasted well over an hour. In a nutshell, he told me that I should think of God as a loving Mother who wanted to hold me. He reminded me that Judaism is a path, with God as the goal, so when you have to cut out on eor the other, it's OK to remove part of Judaism. He told me about the egalitarian (men and women totally equal) minyan (congregation) he started in college; his group decided they didn't need official backing because they needed this right now. He compared certain parts of the Jewish legal code, which we both believe was created by people (and people can be wrong or ignorant) to the Jim Crowe laws and asked if I would have considered myself honor bound to uphold those.

I wanted to come back to Judaism, but I didn't know how. My father suggested I start by saying my own prayers every night in bed. So I did. I didn't feel anything, but I chatted a bit, prayed for people who needed it, and ended with the traditional bedtime Shema. Suddenly I realized that this was habit, and I added my next step: afternoon prayers on Shabbat. I want my Judaism back: I want it, I want it, I want it. I can feel the need for it again!

(Oh, and my bipolar symptoms mysteriously disappeared just in time for Shabbat and Purim. Miracle much?)

Hmm...No Title

So for the last few weeks, I have not been so observant in my Judaism. I wore a kippah to keep up appearances, but I wasn't praying every day, I wasn't wearing my arba kanfot, and I wasn't praying in bed at night.

Part of this is not my choice: I have to get eight hours of sleep a night because losing sleep is very dangerous for bipolar individuals. This means I have to get up at seven on school days. Breakfast is at seven thirty; class starts at eight. I simply don't have time to pray.

Part of my lack of commitment also had to do with confusion about how to fit in as an observant, lesbian Jew. Judaism in its traditional form does not accept homosexuality; then again, Judaism in its traditional form doesn't really accept women, either, and I have chosen to ignore that and forge a relatively uncommon, though not new, Jewish path. I'm still confused about the lesbian thing, though.

And then there was the problem of being too different. I have always been a champion of difference and individuality; that was a large part of why I wore a kippah and tzitziot (traditionally only for boys). But...I'm tired of being different. I am bipolar; I am lesbian; those two are enough differences.

So, Jewishly, where am I now? I just started praying again; I still have time in my schedule for afternoon and evening prayers. I have also restarted ritual handwashing in the mornings; I had simply forgotten for a while. I am no longer wearing a kippah or arba kanfot; wearing a kippah is only established custom, not commandment, anyway; although I am not currently fulfilling the commandment of tzitziot because I cannot pray in the morning (therefore no tallis), arba kanfot on a girl are just too weird.

I was very impressed, however, with the level of spirituality in my prayers this afternoon...I think in a couple of days I will have my visions back.

Eating Visions

I've started eating things I see in visions. I used to resist the urge, but now I've given in to it. Today, for the first time, I felt an actual physical swallowing and an actual physical sensation after eating a red cube. Last night I was stufing light into my mouth.

I have no idea what effect this eating will have on my life. We shall see.

Back to Life

When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I went through a phase where I would not worship. Not that I didn't believe in God; I was just too angry to do anything about it. After I started praying etc. again, I found tthat I could not get kavanah (concentration and devotion). It simply wasn't happening.

That phase lasted up until yesterday evening, when all of a sudden my life just started to fall into place. I reread the journal entries I mentioned in my last post. On one of my favorite blogs, I read a post about when religion hurts; it said exactly what I had been feeling. Most exciting of all, I am a candidate for a scholarship for an Israel program next summer. God as good as told me I'd be back to Israel; maybe this will be how.

After I discovered all of the above, I went to say my evening prayers...and had a vision. It was more colorful, vivid, and dramatic than any vision I've ever had before. After that, while I was in the shower, something spoke to me through me and told me my friend "John" is connected to my visions. Right after I said that, I felt much older spiritually. Dropping off to sleep last night, I saw all different colors dancing around in my mind. They were potential visions that I chose not to engage because I wanted to get some sleep. This morning while I was praying I started to have a vision as well. I stopped because I got bored--it was such a commonplace vision!--but the fact that there can even be commonplace visions makes me very happy.

If this is the stronger spirituality that comes with being tested, bipolar disorder was worth it, no doubt.

Tests of Faith

I was rereading my journal today, and came across some prayers--letters to God, really--that I wrote on the way to Israel. In the letters I promised all kinds of things. I promised that I belonged to God, would never forsake God, would never forget God. I promised that I would always keep in touch. In short, I promised an enduring relationship with God.

When I left for Israel, I had it made. I had friends and family who loved me; I was healthy; I was exactly where I wanted to be. Shortly after I arrived in Israel, I realized I was lesbian. Then my physical pain got worse. Then I spun out of emotional control and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

We see this theme over and over in the Torah: God makes someone's life really good, and then God tests that person. Promises of loyalty and allegiance don't mean much when life is good. I know--I just know--that God sent me to Israel to test me, and the fact that I'm having problems praying is part of the test. I know that I will come through this ordeal as a stronger Jew. I know God is secretly holding my hand all the time; I just can't feel it. That's part of the test.

Really Done

My new tallis has tzitziot, the ritual fringes that make it a tallis and not just a pretty shawl! My father, who is also my Rabbi, tied them for me so I know they're kosher. It's done! I did it! I made a tallis!

Blessed with Blessings

There are so many blessings (brachot in Hebrew) that a Jewish person can say. There are brachot for washing the hands and eating and using the bathroom. The morning, afternoon, and evening prayer services are full of brachot.

Then there are the brachot for ordinary-special occasions. There are brachot for nice sunsets and thunderstorms and eating a new fruit. There are brachot for seeing the ocean or a close friend after a long absence, and on new clothes and furniture.

Then there are the really special brachot. There is a bracha for meeting the president, and one for seeing an outstanding scholar. There is a bracha for especially beautiful people and one for deformed people. There is a bracha for terrible news and a bracha for outstanding news.

I have heard that a really observant Jew says one hundred brachot a day. I'm working on learning one new one each month.