God's Perfect Timing

Recently I have been feeling very bipolar. (See my other blog for details.) Today I started a new medication, and I currently feel just fine.

Perfect timing because:
1. My friends in the Junior class left for Israel today, cutting my support system in half.
2. My Hebrew class (and all the other Hebrew classes in the school) is having Israeli dance lessons tomorrow.
3. Tomorrow I am meeting with my guidance counselor to start thinking about colleges.
4. Next week I have to start studying for SATs and one SAT II.

I am sure I will think of more examples of God's perfect timing over the next few days.

U'N'Taneh Tokef

On Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, and Yom Kippur the Day of Atonement, a particular poem is read that is very special to me.

U'N'Taneh Tokef discusses the holiness of the day: how we are but dust specks who pass before God like sheep before a shepherd. God counts each one of us according to his/her merits and sins, and no one can escape.

The poem goes on to talk about all the possible fates a person can have: to live or die; to die young or old; to die by fire, water, wild beast, or sword; and many others. Then the poem proclaims "And repentance, prayer, and charity avert the evil decree."

This poem, as I mentioned above, holds special meaning for me.

Every year I pray for my health, and every year I get farther away.

I accept God's verdict, but I do not understand it.

A Special Occasion

Today is Rosh Hodesh Elul, the beginning (Rosh, literally head) of the month (Hodesh) of Elul. Elul is the last month on the Hebrew calendar, the last month before the New Year (Rosh HaShanah) and Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur), when we beg forgiveness from God and man for our sins and pray for a favorable judgment for the coming year. A special psalm is added to morning prayers during this month.

Today, as I said all the special prayers for Rosh Hodesh (an addition to the amidah [Standing Prayer], extra collection of joyful psalms, and the psalm for Elul), I couldn't help but feel closer to God. This may be the first time those prayers have ever done that for me.

Hooray!

A Judaism-Themed Poem

I wrote this in Israel and included it with my college applications, because extra poetry never hurt. This one was also published in my school literary magazine this past year. Poems would ordinarily go on my non-religion-themed blog, but this one is so Jewish, I am putting it here. The title means "Woman of Valor"

Eshet Chayil

Daughter of pride, sister of hope,
Mixes the mud for one more brick.
Feels her arms weary; adds strength and continues.
Daughter of pride, sister of hope.

Daughter of pride, sister of hope,
Stands at Mt. Sinai receiving the brit.
Trembles beneath the thick, fiery smoke.
Daughter of pride, sister of hope.

Daughter of pride, sister of hope,
Fingers outstretched as they reach for her spear.
Dies in a fire set by the Romans.
Daughter of pride, sister of hope.

[The following stanza was cut from the college application version due to space limits.]

Daughter of pride, sister of hope,
Lays bare her throat so her husband can kill.
Submits to death: a free woman, no less.
Daughter of pride, sister of hope.

Daughter of pride, sister of hope,
Holds fast to her God as she burns at the stake.
Tortured to death by the Spanish Inquisitors.
Daughter of pride, sister of hope.

Daughter of pride, sister of hope,
Choked by the gas with shema on her lips.
One of her people, now one with her God.
Daughter of pride, sister of hope.

Daughter of pride, sister of hope,
Stands at Masada and shouts out her name.
Holds the proof of the past and the key to the future.
Daughter of pride, sister of hope.

Tisha B'Av Musings: the Holocaust and "To Everything There is a Season"

Although my philosophically mournful mood failed around midday and now I am counting down the hours until I can eat, I did have some interesting thoughts this morning and would like to share them. Quoted from my journal:

"Everything I read about Tisha B'Av is about rebuilding, renewing, re-hoping! I just want to feel my feelings.
"Tragedies are sad. And dealing with them takes work, both individual and communal.
"Perhaps we can be done with the communal grief on Tisha B'Av. But my individual grief is just beginning. I'm just starting to comprehend the enormity of Jewish tragedies (from the destruction of the Temple to the Holocaust) and their effects on our people. It's too soon to be happy yet."

"Honestly, I seem to mostly be mourning the Holocaust. It seems more accessible, somehow--more modern and close to home--than the destruction of the Temple. I've seen pictures of the Holocaust. I know people who know survivors. I've read eyewitness accounts. By contrast, the destruction of the Temple seems like a story: a horrible story, yes, but nonetheless a fairy tale.
"Also, despite my best planning, I have not gotten around to mourning assimilation yet. I am simply still stuck in the Holocaust."

I really love the way the Jewish calendar provides time to feel every possible feeling. There are days for joy and for sorrow; times to fear God, to thank God, to love God, even (in psalms) to reverently scold God. The Jewish year, its special times, and our relationship with God, are truly three dimensional if we allow our souls to cooperate.

Also, check out this thought-provoking article from the Jerusalem Post:
http://www.jpost.com/Opinion/Editorials/Article.aspx?id=181953

Tisha B'Av

Tomorrow night begins Tisha B'Av, the ninth day of the Hebrew month of Av, a day of fasting and mourning for the loss of the Temple and other Jewish tragedies. My family does not observe this fast day, but last Summer in Kansas I had an opportunity to experience it for real.

And I loved it.

Call me crazy, but it's true.

On Tisha B'Av, Jews everywhere cease to eat or drink, wear leather shoes, bathe or anoint, study Torah, or have marital relations for 25 hours. It is customary to sit on a low stool or the floor until midday, and some even sleep on the floor. The scroll of Eicha (Lamentations) is read in synagogues, extra prayers are said, and the tallis and tefillin are not worn until afternoon prayers. (They are usually donned in the morning.)

What will I mourn this year?

I will mourn for the Temple; I will mourn for those who died at Masada; I will mourn for the victims of the Inquisition; I will mourn for the victims of the Holocaust.

And I will also mourn assimilation.

I will mourn for the Jewish children who receive no Jewish education.

I will mourn for those Jews who have never known the joys of Shabbat.

I will mourn for those Jews who do not support Israel.

Because truly, they are missing something.

Painful First Time Lesson

As you may or may not know, I am a reader of several blogs by families who have adopted children. I came across one a few weeks ago (allarepreciousinhissight.blogspot.com) in which the family's little grl was in the hospital following serious, complicated heart surgery. I immediately added her to my prayer list, and I prayed with devotion for her recovery.

That little girl's name was Chrissie, and she died yesterday.

Although I barely deserve to have any grief having only read about her, I am...cracked. Grown up. Older.

This is the first serious prayer of mine that did not come true, not even a little bit.

I prayed for no chronic pain and I am mobile now.

I prayed for help with bipolar disorder and I am mostly stable now.

I prayed and am praying for Abby Riggs (riggsfamilyblog.com) and she is getting better.

I prayed and am praying for Grady and as far as I know he's doing OK.

I prayed for Chrissie and she died.

Why, God? Why?