This is an attempt not to bother my friend Katherine with this subject matter. Katherine is a generous, giving person; she will always let me talk religion if I need to. However, she is completely nonreligious herself, and is only humoring me in my religion moments.
Due to an insurance mix-up (surgical center where the procedure was to be done would not take my insurance; a different one had to be found), my surgery was postponed two weeks. For a day or two, I felt crumbly and fragile emotionally, primarily because I had gotten myself psyched up for surgery on a specific date, and now it was happening on a different date, and I hate changes in plans.
And then I paid attention to my Jewish religious sources: ritual prayer and Hebrew Bible reading (that's reading of the Hebrew Bible, although I read it in English). Odd as this sounds, I paid attention to Christian religious sources: one particular blog I like a lot right now, and Steven Curtis Chapman music. And I paid attention to that universal religious source of comfort: crying out to God in moments of strong emotion.
All of this led me to the following conclusion: God has a plan for me. It may not be my plan, it may not even feel good (though I suspect it will feel right), but it's God's plan. God can handle this; S/He has handled many bigger things before, both in my life and in the history of the world; and I rest and am carried in God's hands. This plan may feel like walking a tightrope--sometimes it even feels like falling off the tightrope--but the hands are there to catch me down below.
I can rest, and I am at peace. What will come will come, and God knows best.
Thursday, June 14, 2018
Saturday, June 9, 2018
Approaching Surgery
As the day of my surgery (Tuesday; I do not know the time of day yet) approaches, I am beginning to feel fearful, more than nervous but less than afraid. I am afraid of:
- The whole thing just not working, after all;
- Waking up in the middle; and
- The reaction I always have upon waking up from anesthesia. (I tend to wake up SOBBING from anesthesia.)
Thursday, June 7, 2018
NIghtgowns
I tend to think that some of my prettiest clothes are my nightgowns. Certainly they are on par with everything else, and I truly enjoy wearing one each night.
I have two sorts of nightgowns: for cold weather and for warm weather. The cold weather ones were bought second, winter of 2014/2015, but I am talking about them first because I photographed them first. That winter, for my first warm nightgown ever, I desperately wanted a red one; I was picturing a stereotypical, flannel type nightgown. However, when I searched "red nightgown" on Google, the cheapest option I could find was 40 dollars, plenty expensive enough. I suspected I would like it enough to get in two colors and just have those as my winter nightgowns, but just in case, and because it was so different from what I had been picturing, I only ordered one: the red one. I did in fact like it that much, however, and in short order ordered the purple one as well.
These nightgowns are sleeky, slinky, slippery, and graceful. I wear a size medium, and on me, the sleeves reach my wrists and the hem brushes the floor. The nightgowns are not very good, however, at keeping my legs warm on the coldest nights: this winter (2017-2018), I finally relented and bought fleece pajama bottoms to wear under the nightgowns. I wear red polka dot pajama bottoms with the red nightgown; and pastel pink, with a sheep print, pajama bottoms with the purple nightgown.
Here is a picture of my winter nightgowns (corresponding pajama bottoms packed away because the weather is consistently too warm for them now; also note that I consistently like the purple one better, because purple is my favorite color):
The summer nightgowns were bought earlier on, in summer 2014, when I first started insisting on skirts/skorts, dresses, etc. only. They cost 15 dollars a piece, in Walmart. Although now I am very much in a pink phase--and wish one of them were pink--at the time I was very happy that neither was pink. These are also size medium; however, because they are for summer, they hang only to my knees; and one is short sleeved while one is sleeveless.
Here is a picture of my summer nightgowns (right now I like the blue one, on the left, better):
I have two sorts of nightgowns: for cold weather and for warm weather. The cold weather ones were bought second, winter of 2014/2015, but I am talking about them first because I photographed them first. That winter, for my first warm nightgown ever, I desperately wanted a red one; I was picturing a stereotypical, flannel type nightgown. However, when I searched "red nightgown" on Google, the cheapest option I could find was 40 dollars, plenty expensive enough. I suspected I would like it enough to get in two colors and just have those as my winter nightgowns, but just in case, and because it was so different from what I had been picturing, I only ordered one: the red one. I did in fact like it that much, however, and in short order ordered the purple one as well.
These nightgowns are sleeky, slinky, slippery, and graceful. I wear a size medium, and on me, the sleeves reach my wrists and the hem brushes the floor. The nightgowns are not very good, however, at keeping my legs warm on the coldest nights: this winter (2017-2018), I finally relented and bought fleece pajama bottoms to wear under the nightgowns. I wear red polka dot pajama bottoms with the red nightgown; and pastel pink, with a sheep print, pajama bottoms with the purple nightgown.
Here is a picture of my winter nightgowns (corresponding pajama bottoms packed away because the weather is consistently too warm for them now; also note that I consistently like the purple one better, because purple is my favorite color):
The summer nightgowns were bought earlier on, in summer 2014, when I first started insisting on skirts/skorts, dresses, etc. only. They cost 15 dollars a piece, in Walmart. Although now I am very much in a pink phase--and wish one of them were pink--at the time I was very happy that neither was pink. These are also size medium; however, because they are for summer, they hang only to my knees; and one is short sleeved while one is sleeveless.
Here is a picture of my summer nightgowns (right now I like the blue one, on the left, better):
Recently, it has suddenly become a lot more important to me to have pretty, quality nightgowns. This is because I have begun again to daven shacharit (morning prayers) upon waking. However, I now take a shower in the morning as well. Wet hair ruins tefillin (phylacteries; they are made of leather) so I must daven before I shower. In that moment, of course I am still wearing a nightgown. I feel bad about approaching God in a nightgown and corresponding bedtime kippah; the least I can do is have pretty ones.
I am also enjoying planning my outfits a couple days in advance right now. Tomorrow (really today already; posting this at a weird hour because I can't sleep) I am wearing the "modesty trainer" skirt (called that because it is sort of short, and very tight, and forces modest movement) with a free red t-shirt from my undergrad and a maroon silk kippah with embroidered flowers.
Friday, I am wearing my long pink print skirt (which I really think may be my favorite), my "house that Abraham built" t-shirt, and my lavender suede kippah. I used to hate and avoid the suede kippot; but now I find that they have their time and place, like every other style of kippah.
Saturday's casual outfit (obviously I would wear fancy clothes to synagogue, but I have been in too much pain to make it there recently) is still up in the air; either I will base it around picking the skort first (the purple one) [and then I would wear a blue t-shirt, and my blue embroidered silk kippah] or I will base it around picking the kippah first (the big, rust-colored, Ugandan one) [and then I would wear my long brown skirt, and possibly my brown-shades tie dye t-shirt, or possibly a red t-shirt].
Wednesday, June 6, 2018
In Which I Return
I have no idea why I suddenly feel the need to blog again, after nearly a year of silence. All I know is that I do.
To catch you up on miscellaneous happenings:
To catch you up on miscellaneous happenings:
- I currently have a stomach bug. This would not be major enough to mention here, except that currently I seem to get stomach bugs quite often, as in at least once a month. It's getting aggravating.
- I broke up with the boyfriend. Actually, I broke up with him a long time ago, shortly after I stopped blogging. It just wasn't going to work; in numerous ways, we were too different. There was no animosity, however--just a mutual, "this isn't working" feeling--and I still see him and we still enjoy each other.
- Chronic pain has become seriously hard. Our next treatment attempt is a spinal cord stimulator. This is a small electrical device that is implanted at the base of the spinal cord. It turns pain waves into vibrations, and actually, the type my doctor and I chose for me vibrates so fast the patient doesn't feel anything. It is like not being in pain even though the brain is sending pain signals. Surgery for the trial run is this coming Tuesday (I will then go again for the actual implant if I have a good reaction to the device); if you are the praying sort, I would appreciate your prayers, as I really am very nervous about this.
- I just came through a minor bipolar episode. It left me with an incomplete on one paper.
- I plan to take the EAS exam this summer. The EAS (Educating All Students) is an exam on special needs. I have to take that before I can take the CST. The CST is sort of like an SAT for teachers. It has three sections--reading, writing, and math--but one only has to pass two of them. Anyway, I have to pass the CST before I can student teach.
Friday, August 4, 2017
Reclaimng my Jewish Identity
Ever since I met Shepard, I have been lukewarm as a Jew, trying to meet his non-observant Judaism halfway. I also hoped that if I became passionate about Judaism again, he would follow. Last night I had two conversations with him that changed my view on things.
The first was me telling Shepard how much I had given up Jewishly for him, with examples. He gave me permission to take some of these things back and start doing them again if I wanted to. The second was him looking at how much work, and therefore money, he would miss if he took time off for Rosh HaShanah (New Year) and Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement), the two most important holidays, by far, on the Jewish calendar. When he looked at the finances, he didn't want to take any time off. Yom Kippur day is on a Saturday this year, and Shepard in general doesn't work Saturdays, so he can come to shul with me then; and I talked him into coming the first day of Rosh Hashanah, which falls on one of his shorter work days, as well. However, this whole conversation showed me where Shepard lies versus where I lie on the spectrum of Jewish observance.
Based on all of the above, I am starting four Jewish practices again, some of which will affect Shepard more than others.
The first is daily, weekday morning prayers. This does not affect Shepard because half the mornings of the week he is at work by the time I wake up anyway; and on the days he is not, he can do his computer stuff, which he already does while I get ready, for a little bit of extra time. This was the first one I thought to reclaim because I am already reading Psalm 91 as a prayer for someone I care about to recover from Leukemia, and reading a Bible chapter, every morning; might as well pray too. Also, we are going into the holiest time of the year leading up to the High Holidays, and I want to be in touch with my spiritual side.
The second is Shabbat evening prayers. This one affects Shepard in that it delays dinner after candle lighting on Friday nights. To me the Shabbat evening service is the most beautiful of all the week; I miss it, and I want it back.
The third is ritual hand washing before the prayer over bread on Friday nights. I told Shepard that I can totally just do this one myself if he does not want to participate. This one is important to me because I spent a lot of money on a gorgeous, special cup and towel just for this purpose; it seems stupid not to use them.
Finally, I want to add back the Grace after Meals on Friday nights. I grew up doing this on Shabbat evening, and it never seemed right to me to end a Shabbat evening meal without it. Shepard says he can follow along for the first paragraph. Therefore, we will do the "prologue for Shabbat" paragraph, and the first paragraph of the actual thing, together out loud; I will finish the rest silently.
So there you have it! My "new" Jewish life! I feel excited, and more alive than I have in a long time. It's a good thing.
The first was me telling Shepard how much I had given up Jewishly for him, with examples. He gave me permission to take some of these things back and start doing them again if I wanted to. The second was him looking at how much work, and therefore money, he would miss if he took time off for Rosh HaShanah (New Year) and Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement), the two most important holidays, by far, on the Jewish calendar. When he looked at the finances, he didn't want to take any time off. Yom Kippur day is on a Saturday this year, and Shepard in general doesn't work Saturdays, so he can come to shul with me then; and I talked him into coming the first day of Rosh Hashanah, which falls on one of his shorter work days, as well. However, this whole conversation showed me where Shepard lies versus where I lie on the spectrum of Jewish observance.
Based on all of the above, I am starting four Jewish practices again, some of which will affect Shepard more than others.
The first is daily, weekday morning prayers. This does not affect Shepard because half the mornings of the week he is at work by the time I wake up anyway; and on the days he is not, he can do his computer stuff, which he already does while I get ready, for a little bit of extra time. This was the first one I thought to reclaim because I am already reading Psalm 91 as a prayer for someone I care about to recover from Leukemia, and reading a Bible chapter, every morning; might as well pray too. Also, we are going into the holiest time of the year leading up to the High Holidays, and I want to be in touch with my spiritual side.
The second is Shabbat evening prayers. This one affects Shepard in that it delays dinner after candle lighting on Friday nights. To me the Shabbat evening service is the most beautiful of all the week; I miss it, and I want it back.
The third is ritual hand washing before the prayer over bread on Friday nights. I told Shepard that I can totally just do this one myself if he does not want to participate. This one is important to me because I spent a lot of money on a gorgeous, special cup and towel just for this purpose; it seems stupid not to use them.
Finally, I want to add back the Grace after Meals on Friday nights. I grew up doing this on Shabbat evening, and it never seemed right to me to end a Shabbat evening meal without it. Shepard says he can follow along for the first paragraph. Therefore, we will do the "prologue for Shabbat" paragraph, and the first paragraph of the actual thing, together out loud; I will finish the rest silently.
So there you have it! My "new" Jewish life! I feel excited, and more alive than I have in a long time. It's a good thing.
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
Kippah Collection: Photo Update
It has been a long time since I posted photos of my kippah collection, so here are some I just took. A number of new kippot have been added, and I have also changed how I organize the collection. Now there is one stack of "business" kippot: my smaller ones, which I consider OK for work settings. The remainder of the collection is stacked by materials: satins, velvets, silks, and other.
Tuesday, June 13, 2017
Tzitziot: The Bad and The Good
So it seems that we have entered summer weather. (I don't care that it's still the first half of June; 90+ degrees outside is summer weather.) This is the time of year when I question my sanity regarding my commitment to tzitziot. They are, after all, an extra layer; and even the cotton ones (I'm not crazy enough to wear wool) get all sweaty and heavy.
And then I glance down, and I see the strings dangling right by my hip bones: two sets in front and two in back. And I remember what a trailblazer I am at all, as a woman outwardly wearing them. And I smile to myself, and it's all worth it.
And then I glance down, and I see the strings dangling right by my hip bones: two sets in front and two in back. And I remember what a trailblazer I am at all, as a woman outwardly wearing them. And I smile to myself, and it's all worth it.
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About Me
- free_to_dream
- I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!