Dear God,
Hurricane Sandy has left me questioning and questioning the "why"s and "how"s of Your existence. I do not doubt that You exist but I am in turmoil as I try to make sense of Your nature.
My home town was barely touched by the hurricane. I would say it was a miracle, but I have seen pictures of the damage elsewhere. To call what happened or didn't happen to me a miracle would be to say You ordained it. If You ordained my survival and lack of damage, then You ordained the power loss, the flooding, the deaths of hundreds--and that I am not willing to accept.
Rest assured that I will now be actively seeking for answers. Regardless of how much I am or am not praying ritually, I will continue to compose my own prayers as I read works of Jewish philosophy in search of You. I want a relationship with You, God, just not the one I have now.
Hurricane Sandy has knocked me over theologically, to the point where I can honestly say that I no longer know You. I know You exist, but not Who You are. To a certain extent I will never know Who You are, but right now I know it least of all, and I am sad and mad and bewildered.
I feel betrayed.
I feel hurt.
I feel lost.
Good night, God.
(I'm not signing this one "Love"),
Your Girl.
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About Me
- free_to_dream
- I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!
I'd love to talk my sweet friend. covenantb@yahoo.com
ReplyDeleteI wrote a response.
ReplyDeleteI considered God's plans for people. That He does everything for a reason.
And then it struck me that, as a person who is 100% confident in her non-religious life, it wasn't really appropriate.
I hope you find a way to make peace.