"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how big your God is."

I believe in God.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Hmm...No Title

So for the last few weeks, I have not been so observant in my Judaism. I wore a kippah to keep up appearances, but I wasn't praying every day, I wasn't wearing my arba kanfot, and I wasn't praying in bed at night.

Part of this is not my choice: I have to get eight hours of sleep a night because losing sleep is very dangerous for bipolar individuals. This means I have to get up at seven on school days. Breakfast is at seven thirty; class starts at eight. I simply don't have time to pray.

Part of my lack of commitment also had to do with confusion about how to fit in as an observant, lesbian Jew. Judaism in its traditional form does not accept homosexuality; then again, Judaism in its traditional form doesn't really accept women, either, and I have chosen to ignore that and forge a relatively uncommon, though not new, Jewish path. I'm still confused about the lesbian thing, though.

And then there was the problem of being too different. I have always been a champion of difference and individuality; that was a large part of why I wore a kippah and tzitziot (traditionally only for boys). But...I'm tired of being different. I am bipolar; I am lesbian; those two are enough differences.

So, Jewishly, where am I now? I just started praying again; I still have time in my schedule for afternoon and evening prayers. I have also restarted ritual handwashing in the mornings; I had simply forgotten for a while. I am no longer wearing a kippah or arba kanfot; wearing a kippah is only established custom, not commandment, anyway; although I am not currently fulfilling the commandment of tzitziot because I cannot pray in the morning (therefore no tallis), arba kanfot on a girl are just too weird.

I was very impressed, however, with the level of spirituality in my prayers this afternoon...I think in a couple of days I will have my visions back.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Eating Visions

I've started eating things I see in visions. I used to resist the urge, but now I've given in to it. Today, for the first time, I felt an actual physical swallowing and an actual physical sensation after eating a red cube. Last night I was stufing light into my mouth.

I have no idea what effect this eating will have on my life. We shall see.


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I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!