"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how big your God is."

I believe in God.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013


I have been trying to find the right words for this post for a long time.  My current bipolar episode has been going on for weeks now, and that is a long time--a nice opportunity to come up with the "perfect" post.

I am beginning to feel trapped, yes, even imprisoned.  The bipolar symptoms are making me act in weird ways, when the "real" me knows that I'm being ridiculous and strange.  I cry easily, I laugh easily, I get scared easily: too easily.  It's hard to live this way.

Honestly, I would say that my biggest challenge right now is living with my roommates: figuring out how much to tell them without scaring them, how much to ask of them (I actually talk about it less with them than I do with other friends because my roommates are living it with me, so there's nothing to talk about), etc.  I try to be a contributing member of the household; sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. 

Yesterday, for example, our landlord texted me saying he was coming by in less than an hour to do housing inspections.  "Julie" and I were the only two home, so I woke her up and we started cleaning like crazy.  I tried to help, but needed  her to tell me what to do because I could not think straight.


Sunday, July 28, 2013

You'll Never Guess...

Guess what?!

You'll never guess...

ALLY has a FAMILY!!!

Ally, that big girl about whom I posted, has a family! A family! YAY, ALLY!

Monday, July 15, 2013

Another Attempt

Ally (1)

And this is Ally; she also ages out next month.  Unlike Iggy, she will not go to a mental institution; Ally's fate is the life of a reject on the streets.  Please someone see her!

An Attempt

This is Iggy.  Iggy has one more month--just one--to find an American family before he ages out of the system into a permanent mental institution.  I know my blog post is not likely to find him a family.  But please, won't you spread the word as well? Or even consider making Iggy your son?

Sunday, July 14, 2013

When It's Difficult to Be Me

I am exhausted.  It's been a difficult day: three times manic and three times depressed.  Yes, I honestly do cycle that rapidly.

I am embarrassed.  I have had to go to a professor (summer course) and tell her I can't.  That no, I'm sorry, but I can't turn it in on time.  In that respect I am fortunate: I have the paperwork to back me up.  But I know how sharp and efficient my brain is when it works--so it's frustrating when it doesn't.

And speaking of things not working, for reasons unrelated to bipolar disorder I threw up all over my carpet (right next to my mattress) last night--and I was too bipolar to go out and buy carpet cleaner today.  So tonight I get to sleep next to vomit.  Oh, joy.

This is one of those times when it's difficult to be me.  And I feel so ashamed of being self-centered and needing so much the support of family and friends--but I do need them, because this is just hard.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Not Good and a Good

So last night I finally crawled into bed around 11:30, after delaying it for as long as possible because I really didn't feel like going to bed (mania).  Then this morning, I woke up around five-ish, feeling that BED WAS NOT THE PLACE TO BE.  (Yes the caps are necessary; they indicate the power if my emotion.)  This combination is not good because I can only recover if I get enough sleep.

My professor for my summer course is one of the most awesome professors I have ever met! I gave her the paperwork from Disability Services at the beginning of class, and at the end of class she called me over to discuss it.  I explained that, among other things, I wasn't sure if I could satisfactorily complete an upcoming assignment due to its nature, and she said she'd change the assignment for me!

And now I must go pace somewhere.  Have a great day!

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

My Bipolar Brain

I have been up since 5:36 am, because that is when I woke up and my stupid bipolar brain decided that the thing to do would be to go on Facebook.  I have to read at least one article today so I can write about it and the other one on Friday, but the reading keeps sort of not happening and not happening, if you know what I mean.  Between the exhaustion from waking up so early, the lure of supportive friends via Facebook, and sheer inability to focus, it's just not getting done; in terms of whether or not it will, your guess is as good as mine.  Somehow or other I will make it to class tonight; I have to, or I will lose five points off my average.  This is really messing with my life.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

When it rains, it pours...

So due to lack of sleep because of the pain, I have now entered a bipolar episode, or at least a tiny one.  My doctor does not want to treat the episode directly because I'm on so much medication already; and I take that seriously because she's big on medication.  What she did was prescribe a pain med that aids in slow-wave sleep, just to take at nighttime.

Last night, despite the new med (Lyrica, if that means anything to you), was hell.  I went to bed at 10:30-ish, got up at 11:30-ish, hung out with my roommates until midnight or so, fooled around on Facebook until 12:30-ish, and finally fell asleep around 1:00-ish.  Then I was up with my alarm around 7:00-ish.  I dealt with manic jitters this morning by taking my emergency low-dose Seroquel (I knew the Xanax would put me right to sleep again, and I have too much to do for that to be practical today), which made me way sleepy.  So I took extra caffeine, which I think is just starting to kick in as we speak.

Shout out to my roommates "Julie" and "Jessica" for handling me when I'm like this.  I felt really bad for them last night.  When "Julie" said something that wasn't even really amusing--more like mildly witty--and I was just sitting at the table losing control and laughing and laughing.  "Julie" was trying to calm me down, which was rather a lost cause at that point, and "Jessica" (a new roommate who has never lived with anyone who is bipolar before) was trying to take her cues from "Julie", which obviously wasn't working, and, well...not fun for any of us.  Anyway, thanks, girls, for putting up with me!

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Life is tough.

I am hurting--a lot--and that makes life very, very hard.  I have to actually fight to walk from here to there.  I am hypersensitive to vibrations, such as someone tapping his foot on the floor at least four feet away, as well.  Moreover, I am trying to be stoic and not let the whole world know I am hurting.  It's tough.

But I will not let it master me.  This situation may be tough, but I am tougher.  I can fight back with everything I've got--gym, home exercises, desensitization, running up and down stairs--and I will.  If it doesn't get better in a month I will contact my doctor and ask for advice, but I'm tough and I am going to try to fix this on my own first.

Life is tough.  I an tougher.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Would you please pray for me?

My RND (chronic pain syndrome) has kicked back up again.  Virtually overnight it went from "I can pretend I'm OK; look at me, I'm OK." to "Oh crap."  I am really, really hurting and the pain just does not stop.

I am doing everything I can to actively fight back: exercising aerobically for half an hour every day the gym is open, going through my home exercises, desensitizing the affected areas.  So far, things are only getting worse.  I am reminding myself that this always gets worse before it gets better, but I am downright scared.

I am going to give this a month--no more, no less--of my best efforts before I contact my doctor's people.  During that time, could I ask for prayers, please?


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About Me

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I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!