Carried in His Hands


"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how big your God is."

I believe in God.

Sunday, March 26, 2017


In my own terminology, I am over-the-moon excited and happy right now, despite feeling mentally ill.

Why? Because at the end of the week, stretching into next, I am going back to work with Joseph Antoine Alston (real name used with permission).

Joseph is the only person, on God's Earth, who can consistently, drastically help my pain.

He heals by touch.  I'm sorry, I know, people have asked, but I know of no other way to describe or explain what he does.  You either get it or you don't.

True, it would be nice if he could heal me once and for all, but he comes closer than anybody else. Besides, needing him regularly means I get to see him regularly.

In the end, that's what I am over-the-moon about.  Joseph and I connect as "kindred spirits," as Anne of Green Gables would say.  I am not over-the-moon about the medical stuff.  I am over-the-moon about seeing Joseph and connecting again, person to person.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Sweetly Bitter Adaptation

Over my years of dealing with various disabling medical conditions (Bipolar Disorder and RSD, mainly), I have come to learn something: usually, adaptation is better than fighting.

I have the perfect example.

I try to do ritual prayers every day, but God's and my main, direct form of communication is the letters I write.  I can come to God with any issue, and sometimes, just often enough that I know it is real, I get an answer back.

For months now, or at the very least weeks, I hadn't been writing.  This was because I couldn't hold a pen and write long enough to fill a page, and I felt as though I couldn't write "enough of" a letter.

Then it occurred to me: any communication is better than no communication at all, so now I write half-page letters.

Perfect solution? No.  Do I long to be able to write "enough?" Yes.  But I adapted to the pain rather than fighting it, and came out further ahead.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

God will fix it; God will fix it; God will fix it; GOD WILL FIX IT.

*My apologies if this post is random and disorganized.  Please trust me, I'm doing the best I can do.*

In the midst of cycling through a bipolar episode, I have discovered that Judaism soothes me like nothing else in the world.  I do aim for the most intellectual Jewish activity I can absorb and process. Prayer--ritual if it is time for that and I haven't done it yet (I always do it as soon as possible in case I can't later), letters to God at other times--tops the list.  If I can't deal with outputting prayer, next on the list is reading my Bible or Psalms.

There are times, however, when even the ancient religious texts that have brought comfort to so many are unbearable.  Those are the times when I turn to the simplest mantra I could think up--"God will fix it"--repeated over and over.  It is true, because God is the Great Healer.  Whether in a way of which I approve and/or that I can understand, or in a different way, God will fix this situation.

"I believe with perfect faith in the coming of the Messiah.  And even though [s/]he be delayed, with all this, I will wait for him[/her], every day, that [s/]he will come."

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

World Down Syndrome Day 2017

Today, March 21st, is World Down Syndrome Day.  (Because 03/21 for Trisomy 21.)  I am not very eloquent on this topic, and I have to dive into homework right after this post.  I thought I would walk you all through my experiences praying for kids with Down syndrome.

Every Reece's Rainbow child for whom I have been Prayer Warrior, except the first, have/had Down syndrome.  That's three out of four: "Rheann," "Isabella," and "Jacob."

This is "Rheann."  I have literally watched this girl grow up in pictures, from her baby picture that showed when she was first listed, to the beautifully graceful young woman she is now.  This is her most recent picture:
b8jn5-165jf Rheann 2016

This is "Isabella."  She found a family, as Reece's Rainbow says, really quickly after I started praying for her: so quickly, in fact, that she is only mentioned two or three times in my letters to God.  I do not say my prayers caused miracles because I am not that arrogant, but it is still really cool that this happened that way.

And finally, this precious child is my "Jacob."  I have been praying for him for almost four years, and will continue until he finds a home or ages out.

I am dedicated to helping disabled children in general, and especially those with Down syndrome, any way I can.  I will donate money when I have it, and I will pray.  If anybody can think of anything else for me to do, please let me know.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Prayers for O

I have just enough time before I leave for vision therapy to write this post!

Today I would like to talk about the people who are slot number nine on my prayer list: O and her family. Being slot number nine (out of ten) means nothing at all; when I include others in my prayers, I do the whole list.  There are ten slots, all filled right now; as my prayers are answered "yes," people come and go.

"O" is the only name by which I know this young woman, but I firmly believe God knows and understands the subjects of our prayers, no matter what names we use.  "O's" mother blogs at

"O" is roughly my age, in fact I believe we were born the same year.  She was adopted from Ukraine as a teenager.  She has limb differences, mental disabilities, and autism.  That's a lot to deal with, and a lot for me to pray for.

When I pray for "O", I never pray for her disabilities to go away because I don't believe God does that.  Rather, I pray for comfort and the ability to handle what life throws at her; for healing from any medical procedures she has recently undergone; and for the ability to tolerate any new medical things.

I also pray for "O's" family to be able to help her and heal her.

My usual prayer for "O" and family is for God to remain present in their lives, no matter what they are going through.

And now, this second, I must post this and leave for vision therapy.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

The "Do Good, Feel Good" Game Round XVII

And, finally, here is the last round of this type for this game! It has been amazing to help the world in this way.  Here are Down Syndrome, Girls, 0-2.

This is "Charlotte."  She is two years old and in country PRC.

This is "Mona."  She is one year old and in country EE-4.

This is "Meilani."  She is one or two years old and in country PRC.

This is "Harriet."  She is two years old and in country PRC.

This is "Mari Rose."  She is one year old--or possibly younger--and in country EE-1.

The "Do Good, Feel Good" Game Round XVI

I am totally exhausted, and cannot do any more school work today.  I thought how wonderful it would be if I finished showing Reece's Rainbow children.  So here are the Down Syndrome, Boys, 0-2.

This is "Braxton."  As well as Down syndrome, he is diagnosed with "specific mixed developmental disorder;" bronchial asthma; and an open arterial duct.  He is two years old and in country EE-7.

This is "Rafferty."  He is two years old and in country PRC.
Rafferty 2016

This is "Adley."  As well as Down syndrome, he has been diagnosed with tetralogy of fallot.  He is one year old--or possibly even younger--and in country EE-1.

This is "Archer."  He is one year old and in country EE-4.

This is "Tyler."  He is two years old and in country EE-4.


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About Me

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I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!