Carried in His Hands


"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how big your God is."

I believe in God.

Friday, October 2, 2015

Indices of Me

WORD OF WARNING: In this post, I am choosing to make myself very vulnerable because I value showing readers the real me.  If I get nasty comments, not only will I not post them, I will take down this post entirely as well.  You have been warned.

I am bisexual, therefore queer.  I am also observant-Jewish, disabled, and feminine.  In my Lesbians/Gay Men and Society Class, I am fairly sure I am the only one bringing all three of those identity indices to the table of queer identity.

Has it been hard? Yes, it's been damn hard, and it continues to be hard every. single. day.

It is HARD to "tremble before God" (there's a documentary of that title about Ultra-Orthodox, homosexual Jews, and I find that's the best way to put it) knowing that Judaism as a system, if not the Jews I know in particular, disapproves of the choices I may one day make.

It is HARD to know that my two chronic conditions make me less attractive on the dating market. There are no two ways about it; they do.  People don't want to date someone who's "broken," certainly not at my age.

My femininity, on the other hand, I count as an advantage.  We've been talking a lot in class about "passing," both "passing" when/because you can and "passing" when/because you have to.  Either way, I can "pass" as straight with very little extra effort as to wardrobe, mannerisms, etc. and that is a distinct advantage--it shouldn't be, but it is.

So I guess in the end it's a mixed bag.  I have issues that make me less attractive on the dating scene, but I can "pass" as straight more easily.  And the religion thing? I can only hope it will sort itself out with time.  With God's help, and with time.

Sunday, September 27, 2015


I am in the closing moments before the beginning of Sukkot.  On this holiday we are commanded to eat our meals outside in booths and wave plant species in six directions.

We are also commanded to be happy.

Allow me to tell you why I am not happy.

I am not happy because I have nowhere to go for communal services with a prayer quorum of ten for this holiday: not tonight, not tomorrow, not the next day.  My options are hiking into the next town over or going to the local Chabad, and my pain syndrome will not allow the first, while my convictions on how Judaism should look will not allow the second.

On the one hand, at this moment I thank God for making me born a Rabbi's daughter so that I know how to do these kinds of things for myself, but there are parts of the Sukkot service that can only be done with that quorum of ten.

I will try to be content--no, more than that, I will try to be happy as we are commanded to be.

But I am not happy.


Thursday, September 17, 2015


I am having trouble sleeping tonight, I think due to pain.  I have been up for any length of time twice, and each time I produced a poem.  The two poems are called "Between" and :"God's Glory."  In this post I will also share a poem I shared a long time ago that is particularly appropriate for the Ten Days of Repentance (also known as the Days of Awe).

He is all
The smells,
The sounds,
The people.

The very texture of the air.

It is past bedtime,
But she cannot sleep;
She is nobody;s poem,.
She is nobody's victim.

Pain tosses him
Undivided between
Bully; victim.

There was between this of Mary's cause.

"God's Glory"
'Up again,' she thinks,
During the Days of Awe.
It's all for the glory of God.
She can sit with herself.

Nobody's bully;
Nobody's victim.
She's having a rough night;
She can sit with herself.

She'll always try her best,
It's all for the glory of God.

Sing of
God's glory

"Approaching Yom Kippur"
To everyone I've injured,
I am sorry.

To the limping,
The wounded,
The maimed and the bleeding,
I'm sorry.

Kol Nidre.
U'N'Taneh Tokef.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Forgive me?

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Dorm Room Judaism

The first of these photos was requested by my mother; the last two have been promised for a long time.  Without further ado:

This is a picture of my battery-powered Sabbath candles.  Here they are unlit because the minute I "light" them (screw in the light bulbs), the Sabbath or a holiday has begun and I cannot photograph them.

And this is my new tzedakah box! The Hebrew on the front reads--what else?--"tzedakah."

This is the side of the box, with the all-important, theft-preventing lock.

Now, to all my Jewish readers, and anyone else who would like, shana tovah u'm'tukah! (May you have a good and sweet year!)

Friday, September 11, 2015

Tzedakah Box--Arrived!

My new tzedakah box arrived today.  I will post pictures when it is not about to be Shabbat and I have more time to dig around and find my camera.  Also, I just cleaned my room; messing it up a bit will matter less when it is not about to be Shabbat or a holiday.

My new tzedakah box has a hinged lid that closes with a little lock on the side.  It took me the longest time to figure out this lock.  There were two tiny keys; I assumed one was a spare for the other.  In fact, it turned out that they both go in the lock at the same time.

I had fun donating tzedakah money today.  I had lots of change from various transactions, so I decided to make a logical plan.  First, I thought, I would set aside eight of the smallest coins to donate during the week between Rosh HaShanah (New Year) and Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement), considered an especially holy time and a good time to do good deeds.  I had exactly eight pennies, so I counted these out and put them back in my wallet.

The rest of the coins I divided into two heaps, as even as I could make them: one to donate today, before Shabbat, and one to donate Sunday night, before Rosh HaShanah.  Today's heap turned out to equal $1.45, so that is what I donated before Shabbat today.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015


Today I purchased four skirts, three of them things I need for Winter and one a "just for fun" for now.  Actually, I purchased the "just for fun" for now and put the other three on hold, but that is another story.  Going in, I figured 150 dollars for three skirts.  I figured that was fair because a 100 dollar budget had worked out at the same store (a little Jewish store in my therapist's neighborhood) for two summer skirts,and I was buying three skirts this time; besides, everyone knows winter skirts are more expensive because they are made of thicker material.

I picked out my "everyday" winter skirts first: A jade green corduroy (with pockets!) and a caramel-colored wool (also with those all-important pockets).  The wool skirt is flared; the corduroy goes straight down.  Once I had these in hand, I picked out my dressy skirt, and I found the most beautiful skirt you can imagine.  It is caramel colored (again; can you tell yet that brown is one of my favorite colors?) and made of something like extra-soft, super-lightweight suede that swishes when you move.  (Sadly, no pockets this time, but I suppose you can't have everything.)

On my way to the fitting room, I saw some skirts on the rack that had been there late last Spring when I stopped in.  (Yes: same skirts, same price.)  They are A-lines, lightweight and stretchy; last Spring I got one in a coral pink.  Ever since I bought that one, I have been dreaming and fantasizing about owning the same thing in royal blue. and regretting not getting one then.

Well, I did not see royal blue anywhere on the rack, but I saw a very light khaki that I liked almost as much in several sizes, and I decided it would be more than adequate.  I added it to my pile.  When the shop lady picked it up, she said, "Medium? We have this in LOTS of colors..." 

Deciding to dare to push my luck, I asked timidly, "Do you have royal blue?"

And she said, "YES!"

So now (or at least, as of next week), I have four skirts I love, for $149! Feeling pretty happy!

And now I really must go do my First Year Russian homework!

Monday, August 31, 2015

Tzedakah Box--Purchased!

Well, neither of the books I wanted to sell back actually sold; the bookstore wouldn't take them.  But I needed that tzedakah box, and I was bound and determined to get it.  I thought for a while, then contacted my parents asking if I could get the tzedakah box as part of my Hannukah gift, but get it now.  Being the wonderful parents that they are, they said yes.

I am very pleased with the tzedakah box I picked out; I will describe it to you now, and show you a picture of it when it comes.  It is made out of wood, with a golden Jerusalem scene on the front and a golden lock on the lid to prevent theft.  It is rectangular, and it comes in three colors: blue, mahogany, or black.  I chose mahogany.

So excited!


About Me

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I am a bipolar, Jewish teen who also suffers from RND. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. When I grow up, I think I might like to be a Rabbi. Scratch that; I AM going to be a Rabbi! Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!