As a Jew with a Blog...

As a Jew with a blog, I feel compelled to  say something about the California synagogue shooting that happened this past Saturday.  It's taken me this long to be able to contemplate saying anything, and I don't even know what I'm going to say; this post will evolve as I write it.

Chief among my emotions right now, as they ride high, is a sense of not being safe in my world.  I live in a safe neighborhood, in a relatively safe city, in a relatively safe country, but suddenly my feeling of safety is RELATIVE.  No longer does it feel safe to be a Jew.

People who look at my yarmulke are looking longer now.  I'm used to the quick "what is that" glance; but now those glances hold for a few seconds.  I don't get a greater number of looks than before, so mostly I don't care, but still, I notice the difference.

I debate whether it is safe to do the Jewish things I have always done.  I dealt with hostility over my yarmulke and fringes on and off from the time I started wearing them (yarmulke right before high school, fringes middle of college); this feels different.  I've never been afraid for my physical safety before.  I even find myself wondering if I should continue to go to synagogue.  The answer is yes, especially this week, the week right after the shooting.  If I don't go, they win.

That's what this comes down to: a fight for freedom.  If I stop wearing a yarmulke and/or going to synagogue, the terrorists, the extremists, the anti-Semites...they win.  They win their battle and their war to get rid of Jews.  I won't let them.

I WON'T LET THEM.  Till the day I die, I won't stop being Jewish and expressing it.  I will die for my people before I stop being one of them.

Besides, I have a gorgeous new synagogue blouse; it goes with a skirt for which I haven't had a blouse in a while; and it should be warm enough to wear it this Saturday.  It is pink, and I plan to wear my pink silk "pomegranates" yarmulke with it.

I am proud to be Jewish.

Almost Passover

It's almost Passover (begins Friday evening the nineteenth), and my feelings are jumping like beans.

There is real, true rejoicing that I am free, free from bondage, free to wonder and worship and serve God.  These are the feelings the holiday is meant to evoke as we celebrate.  I don't always manage to feel them, but this year I really, truly do.  So there is rejoicing, and also wonder at the miracles God worked and continues to work.  (No, I don't believe the story happened, certainly not as written in the Bible.  Yes, I celebrate my freedom and worship of God, as symbolized in this story, anyway.)

There is also just "jumping bean excitement" over seeing my family.  For various reasons, my entire immediate family (father, mother, and brothers ages 29 and 22) still all lives together; I am the only one out on my own.  I love going home and seeing all of them at once.  This visit, I get the extra special, sweet opportunity to see my grandmother.  We talk on the phone almost every day; I am planning to go visit her, just me, this summer for 10 days.  She's 87 (No, that's not a typo!) and I want to soak up all the time with her that I can get.  She comes for Passover now, and this year she is bringing her significant other (not my grandfather, he died in summer 2016; yes, there was an entry on this blog about it).  It will be lovely to see her too.

Yet even with all these wonderful, positive feelings come worry and dread.  I still do not know what's happening with my school situation.  I got my rubric (chart with aspects of assignment, graded with numbers; in this case 1-4, with 4 being best and 1 being worst) for the lesson plan demonstration last night; strictly speaking numbers wise, I'm pretty sure I did not fail the assignment.  But the comments at the bottom were disastrous: ripped into my teaching and tore it apart.  If I were the Powers That Be in the department, seeing that, I would not keep me in the program.

I do not know where I will go or what I will do next if this program tells me to leave.  This was my dream, this is my passion, and I won't leave it forever.  I feel fierce determination; I will eventually be a teacher, come what may.

Side note: I recently decided that on each trip, I will showcase one type of kippah.  For this trip, for example, I have my hand embroidered hats (graduation presents, one from high school and one from college, very much my fanciest kippot) to wear to the actual Passover sedarim (fancy, ritual meals on the first two nights of the holiday), but other than that I am only wearing suede.  I have the pastel blue one with silver border, from this past weekend's Bat Mitzvah, on my head right now; over the course of the trip I will also wear navy with a silver border, dark purple, pink, and royal blue with a red-and-silver border.  The purple and pink come from my own Bat Mitzvah.  I think on my next trip I will just bring my blue stack, and wear only blue kippot for the entirety of the trip.

Passover, here I come! It's almost here, and I can't wait!

Lesson Plan Day

This morning, bright and early, I demonstrated my lesson plan.  That is, I attempted to actually teach, while observed by a professor.

There is good news and bad news.

The bad news is that I lack the ability to manage certain kinds of teaching skills that teacher candidates in my position and at my point in their education are just expected to know.  The most prominent one in my mind right now is that I cannot corral and control a group of children.  To clarify: we are not even talking about an entire classroom of children; we are talking about a small group of five students.

The good news is that I am now so very good at some aspects of teaching, including some I could not do as recently as last semester, when I took this course the first time.  For example, I am very good at zeroing in on specific students and helping them.  I am also much better at adapting a lesson to fit actual kids, rather than sticking rigidly to my own hypothetical plans.  (That second one I am actually really proud of--that's a skill I did not have at all last semester.)

The observation was such a mix of good and bad that the department wants to talk before they decide what to do with me.  If they decide I should leave the program--which, if I understood my observer, would mean I needed time and experience, and could then come back--they have ideas and suggestions about where to go next; they are not just throwing me to the wolves.

My feelings? There is a certain amount of devastation.  I worked really, really hard on this lesson plan: this is my second time through the course, and for weeks my primary schoolwork was this lesson plan.  With understanding and support from my thesis professor (also my advisor, also head of the program), I worked on my thesis not at all.  I wanted this so very badly...I did.

But I rally around the fact that I serve a Big God; and that, working together, God and I will get me where I am supposed to go in life.  I wrote in 2018 that 2014 me could never have pictured 2018 me; and that, perhaps, 2018 me could not picture 2222 me.  Of course I work as hard as I possibly can in the direction I believe my life is supposed to go; but ultimately, God has control.  The two of us together will get me to the position in life where I belong, no matter how much I fumble to get there and how many false paths I go down along the way.

This is where faith, religion, and spirituality really help.  I am devastated.  I am.  I didn't even realize it till I sat down to write this, but I am.  It's only natural, I think, considering how hard I tried and how much I wanted this to go in my favor.

And then there are the feelings of self loathing...as if it were my fault this happened this way.  I won't even touch on those here...that's therapist territory.

I plan to have the best Spring break possible anyway.  Until I hear for sure I am out of the program (Heaven forbid, but it is a possibility), I am going to carry on with my schoolwork.  I still plan to take the CST in May, so there's studying for that to do.  I am still going to work on my thesis as well.  And I will have as meaningful a Passover as I can manage.  It's the best I can do.

Kippah Number 56

At yesterday's Bat Mitzvah, I managed to snag kippah 56! It is a perfect addition to my "business" stack: small enough to not be so noticeable; and suede, a business-like material, at least in my mind.  Here it is, in all its pastel-blue, silver-rimmed, glory:

I also happen to possess a kippah from this young woman's older brother's Bar Mitzvah, three years ago almost to the day (they might even have had the same Torah portion, I don't remember)...which makes me feel, well, old; as well as proud that I have been a semi-regular at that synagogue for so long.  Her brother's kippah, navy suede with a notched silver border, also has a happy home in my "business" stack.  Below is a picture of the two kippot together:

Just Musing (Nine Paragraphs Worth!)

On this Friday afternoon, about half an hour before I dive into preparing for the Sabbath, I have no photographs--just words.

I have noticed recently that it is getting harder and harder to pay attention to my schoolwork and do a productive, decent quality job on it.  Having thought the matter through, I have managed to identify one cause: sleep, or rather lack thereof.

Let me be clear: I am still getting quantity sleep.  What I am not getting, and probably simply won't manage until I teach my lesson plan and therefore stay in the school program, is quality sleep.  All the sleep in the world won't make a bit of difference if it isn't deep and relaxing enough.

Since I cannot force myself to relax and get deep sleep at night, I have found I must rest somewhere, somehow, during the day.  On days home all day, that's simple enough: after I have done the truly critical school stuff for that day I simply tuck myself into bed for an hour to an hour and a half.  Days involving leaving and going out and about are more difficult, but I still try for this rest.  Also critical is that for the moment, until I am sleeping better at night (when one is supposed to sleep, just saying!) I am "dividing and conquering" the schoolwork: more, shorter sessions rather than one or two long ones.

In other news, tomorrow I go to synagogue again! I discovered last week that I will truly, truly only last for an hour of the service due to chronic pain.  (I do NOT feel sorry for myself, AT ALL: going to that synagogue in the first place is enough of a miracle, but facing facts means facing facts.)  The more critical parts of the service--the technically required parts--start about 45 minutes in.  Henceforth, I time my experience there to coincide with these parts of the service.  Additionally, tomorrow is a Bat Mitzvah; I should be able to snag kippah #56.

This summer, I am getting one more warm weather synagogue outfit.  I'm quite excited; I don't get new clothes very often.  However, I currently go to synagogue every week, alternating between only two outfits (a purple and orange floral blouse and skirt or a blue dress with lace down the front).  That's not enough.  For the upcoming skirt, which I have to buy in person because I do not know my size and anyway skirt sizes change across brands, I am going back to the Orthodox Jewish clothing store about half an hour walk from my undergrad where I bought seven of the skirts I own now.  I am more comfortable buying the blouse online because shirt sizes are more consistent.  Regardless, I would be buying the blouse in a "normal" store; I have no use for Orthodox-style tops.

I have agreed to sleep over at JS's place over Memorial Day weekend.  I'm quite excited and I definitely want to; the only reason this is weird is that he still lives with his parents.  But I've met his parents before, I'm comfortable with them, and hey--if he wants me, he wants me.

The only thing left to share is to tell about my current sewing project.  I am making a patchwork throw pillow for my "religion" chair: my rocker, turned to face East, and really only used for religious purposes.  The pillow is going to be six squares across and six squares down, in three different materials: black with a small gray floral, a big brown print, and delicate pastel pink stripes with small flowers strewn over.  I have a material I might use for the back, if I have enough of it; otherwise I'm going to have to buy a piece for the back.  The patches started out four inches each side; so I suppose the pillow will be 24 inches each side.  That's bigger than I pictured, but will actually fit the chair well.  I love making things to beautify my religious practice, and it's been a long time since I did.

SHABBAT SHALOM EVERYONE!

JS and Me

Below is a selfie of JS and me, taken just outside the restaurant in which we eat at the end of all dates.  We are getting closer and closer with each date, and I find that exciting.

A New Psalm to Add to the "Favorites" List, and a New Sabbath Tradition

Prior to today, my favorite Psalms, and the ones in which I found the most meaning, were #19, #23, #91, and #148.  (I named this blog after #91.)  Favorite quotations from each (Artscroll translation):

#19: "In their midst He has set up a tent for the sun, which is like a groom emerging from his bridal chamber, it rejoices like a powerful warrior to run the course."

#23: "Though I walk in the valley overshadowed by death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me."

#91: "He will charge His angels for you, to protect you in all your ways.  On palms they will carry you, lest you strike your foot against a stone."

#148: "Praise Hashem from the earth, sea giants and all watery depths.  Fire and hail, snow and vapor, stormy wind fulfilling his word.  Mountains and all hills, fruitful trees and all cedars.  Beasts and all cattle, crawling things and winged fowl.  Kings of the earth and all governments, princes and all judges on earth.  Young men and also maidens, old men together with youths."

Anyway, today during my morning Bible reading after prayers (I try to read at least one Bible chapter every morning, and I am in the book of Psalms right now), I "discovered" Psalm 18.  I quickly decided it needed to be added to the "favorites" list.  Here are some of the best (in my own personal opinion) lines:

"And the earth quaked and roared, the foundations of the mountains shook..."

"He mounted a cherub and flew, he swooped on the wings of the wind."

"For it is You Who will light my lamp, Hashem, my God, will illuminate my darkness."

"For with You I smash a troop, and with my God I leap a wall."

Always so wonderful when my Judaism grows! Also, as of last week, I have a new Sabbath tradition.  The Sabbath ends so late now (past 8), I needed something to do in the afternoons.  In my neighborhood is an Oceanside promenade.  There are benches to sit on, and the sea breeze is refreshing.  Last week, I decided I would go, timing the walk and then spending three times that amount of time once I got there.  (Twice to "reimburse" the walk, plus one extra to actually make it all worth it.)  I packed my phone so I could do some internet surfing.  This week I think I will bring my phone and my Bible, so I have a choice of activities.

Last week I did meet someone who wanted to talk religion (sparked by the women and kippot question).  That's always fun for me so I did some of that.  This week, who knows? It's an adventure.

All in all, pleased with my religious existence right now, and looking forward to the Sabbath tonight.

55th Kippah

This past Sabbath, at a Bat Mitzvah, I snagged my 55th kippah.  (It is  customary, at life cycle events [Bar Mitzvah, Bat Mitzvah, weddings] for the family to provide them free, in bulk, for whomever of the guests would like to take one.)  I have a picture of it below: it's only a cheap satin "beanie," but it  is a beautiful shade of ice blue, a color I didn't have before.

And then, because my blue stack is so numerous and is by far the most often updated (I always pick up a free kippah and blue seems to be by far the most popular color for these), I thought I would provide you with a picture of all my blue ones:

Top, L-R: free from Bat Mitzvah; free from Bat Mitzvah (homemade by family of Bat Mitzvah, has internal clip); free from Bat Mitzvah; picked out by me and paid for by JS as a birthday gift for my 26th.  Next, L-R: free from Bat Mitzvah; embroidered silk by designer Yair Emanuel; free from Bat Mitzvah (newest one, photographed above).  Second from the bottom, L-R: free from Bar Mitzvah; free from Bar Mitzvah.  Bottom: hand embroidered hat by designer Yair Emanuel.  (And yes, hand embroidered hats are very expensive; though I love Emanuel's work, the two hand embroidered hats I have ["Jerusalem in Blue" from college graduation, shown here, and "Birds in Color" from high school graduation] are the only two I will ever own.)