This is a post that literally makes me sick to my stomach to write. My chronic pain syndrome has gotten really bad, and as I wait for a slot to open up in my doctor's wonderful rehab program, I have had to take medical leave from school.
Have you any idea how heartbreaking that decision was for me? How hard it was for me to drop my classes that I had carefully hand selected, and that I loved? Oh, it was a difficult decision.
As hard as it was to make this decision, however, there is no doubt in my mind that it was the right one. I was barely going to class. I was taking almost no notes. I was way behind on the reading, and on track to fail midterms. Staying in school made absolutely no sense.
God continues to be amazing to me, however. I was having a really hard time believing in God's existence (yes, the pain has been that bad) but then I heard three divrei Torah (literally "words of Torah," speeches on the weekly portion or something else Jewish and of interest) in a row that were about finding God in hard places. I truly felt as though they were specifically aimed at me.
And if the divrei Torah alone were not enough to restore my faith in God, my unbelievable friends have tipped the balance even farther in the right direction. These are people who have sat on the floor (easier for me to get comfortable on than a chair) next to me and held my hands during Shabbat prayer services, who have listened when I asked them not to let go of me and decided that that was more important to them at the moment than praying, who have done my laundry for me, who have gotten me food when I needed it...I have some wonderful friends.
I am truly miserable. Short of giving this to someone else (I would never do that!) I would do anything to get out of this pain. I am truly disabled right now (just watch me go up or down a flight of stairs) and realize full well--and this is scary--that without my doctor's rehab program I might never finish college. But even in the darkest hour, when the night is painted black and there is no moon to light the path, the stars that are God wink through the darkness.
I will leave you with that thought.
"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how big your God is."
I believe in God.
I believe in God.
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- I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!