"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how big your God is."

I believe in God.

Friday, June 29, 2012


Ah, childhood. Nostalgia goes along with it, no? Well, no. At least not for me.

I grew up in a school where, for whatever reason, I was picked on mercilessly. The more they picked on me, the more I cried; the more I cried, the more they picked on me. Naturally, I blamed myself.

In high school, I sought therapy, which helped some, but I was also getting accustomed to my RND and bipolar disorder, so the focus of my therapy sessions was not usually on my childhood. When I started collegel last fall, I wanted to believe that all I needed was time, space, and friendships in order to heal. I was wrong.

So here I am, six years out of that awful school, and beginning therapy again. And oh, is it painful.

Starting therapy again has undone me. I am turning back into a traumatized child. Each day is a balance of feeling my feelings, comforting myself, and distracting myself from my feelings. Each day is one day closer to my next therapy appointment.

As I mentioned in my post "Currently..." I am damaged, but not conquered. I can rise again. I will rise again.

Watch out, world.

Thursday, June 28, 2012


I found this on someone else's (ourjourneyoffaith.net) blog and thought it might be a nice distraction from some emotional challenges I'm having right now.

Currently, I am...

LOVING: my emotional strength; I may be broken but I am not conquered, and that is saying a lot.

READING: "Sex and Single Girls"; very entertaining, to say the least!

LISTENING TO: "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield; inspiring and comforting

WAITING FOR: 4:00 pm so I can go to the gym, which does not open until then.

DREAMING ABOUT: childhood...in a bad way.

EXCITED ABOUT: spending this Sabbath with my friends; always such fun!

OVERWHELMED BY: childhood memories

PRAYING FOR: "Erin," "Erin," "ERIN!!!" (and also healing for my aching heart and wounded soul.)

MISSING: my younger brother, who went through the same messed up school as I, and who therefore understands my trauma better than anyone else in my life.

TRYING: to hold on day by day between therapy sessions

WORKING AT: being happy and confident

HOPING FOR: inner peace

ENJOYING: coloring with my box of 120 crayons!

WEARING: a pair of "hand-me-up" shorts from my brother and a Habitat for Humanity t-shirt that I tie-dyed myself.

THANKFUL FOR: my family and friends.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012


So here I am, come full circle so to speak, posting again about "Erin." In case you have forgotten, or are new here, "Erin" is a ten year old girl from Russia who has Down Syndrome. She is listed for potential adoption on Reece's Rainbow (reecesrainbow.org) under Russia, Region 1.

A very long time ago (I think senior year of high school, and I'm a college sophomore now) I signed up to be "Erin's" Prayer Warrior. A Reece's Rainbow Prayer Warrior is assigned a child for whom the Warrior commits to praying daily. I have not always been able to manage this for "Erin," but when I felt as if I just couldn't do it and needed to find her a new Prayer Warrior, Julia from covenantbuilders.blogspot.com encouraged me and said she would be my back-up in case I forgot.

I have heard that as one prays for someone, one begins to love that someone. That is certainly the case for me with "Erin." I care deeply about that little girl. I long to see her find a family and opportunities to grow and blossom. I long to see her safe and loved.

Please consider praying for "Erin" with me.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Long Silence Explained

No, I have not been too busy to post. Physically (not painwise; I mean lifewise), at least, very little has been happening. And yet my mind has been very active.

This mental activity, however, is not something about which I can blog. It has to do with my past, and it is both too personal and too painful to post. Suffice to say I'm in a very difficult place right now.

So that is my explanation for the long silence.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Running on Zero

I am drained. I am tired. I am drop-dead exhausted.

My feet hurt.

The rest of me has felt like a giant fireball on and off all day.

I just got back into going to the gym. It is going to make me worse before it makes me better. The "make me worse" part could last for weeks.

I am drained. I am tired. I want out.

This was supposed to be a much longer blog post all about my new living arrangements, the loft bed my dad built me, my apartment mates, etc., but I think that that can wait for another night.

Friday, June 8, 2012

A Prayer-Letter

So I have moved into my apartment for the coming school year and am happily settling down with friends. It seems like a good time to write a prayer, but I am facing writer's block. It is my hope that by writing a public prayer, I will overcome that obstacle. Here goes.

Ein Sof, my Sister,

I thank You for always accompanying me on my journey through life. I know that I am made in Your image and that You will lead me along my paths, that my fate is in Your hands and that You will not desert me. I beg of You to protect those who need Your protection and to heal those who need Your healing.

I thank You, my Holy Social Worker, for providing me with wonderful friends. "Emily" and "Julie" are my apartment mates and I couldn't ask for better. Besides them, I have two or three other friends as well, and for that I am truly thankful.

Almighty God, Is-Was-Will-Be, I thank You for everything, always. I pray that I may always be Your partner in shaping this world. You give me the letters from which I may make words; You play the tune to which I may dance. I will rise up and LIVE, raise the next generation, be Your daughter, sister, client--perhaps even friend--for the remainder of my life. I thank You for the opportunity.

Your Girl


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I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!