"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how big your God is."

I believe in God.

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Fresh Opportunities

I took the Reece's Rainbow children for whom I had been praying off my prayer list yesterday.  (See post below for reasons.)  This might seem really rough, and it was, but actually, there was good in it too.

I never give up praying for a person; they are in my prayers until whatever issue they are having clear up, or something worse happens.  I had been praying for "Jacob" for almost four years, and "Rheann" for about five, but basically I was banging my head against the wall trying to effect change for them. Their stories were pretty much hopeless.

Now I have two extra spots on my list, that could be filled with anybody.  It is exhilarating, and I am waiting for God to call.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

In Support No Longer

I needed to write about this tonight because it is such a major change to this blog.  As of now, I am done supporting Reece's Rainbow, and you will never see another post about them.  I have been reading a message board against large-family, Christian, international adoption.  On that board are allegations such as:

  • Reece's Rainbow has photo listings for kids from countries who do not allow them.  In Ukraine, one is not even allowed to plan to adopt a specific child--yet people do, through Reece's Rainbow.
  • Many of the donations given to help specific children or families never reach those children or families.
  • Many, many failed adoptions--disruptions and even deaths--happened on Reece's Rainbow's watch.  Reece's Rainbow removed all evidence.
I didn't want to believe this information.  I truly didn't.  As I continued over the message board, however, I realized: many people were saying these things, and the good I have heard about Reece's Rainbow has pretty much only come from the organization itself.

I feel grossly naive when I think about all of the efforts I put into helping Reece's Rainbow.  Here's the thing, though: when I first found out about Reece's Rainbow, I was, in fact, naive.  I was also a teenager.  Teenagers have a right to their naivety. 

I am, however, a teenager no longer.  I owe it to myself and to the world to act on the truth.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Mixed Up and Sad

Recently I have been feeling mixed up and sad about never having children.  It isn't Shepard's fault, and I still want him in my life; last night, he thought I was hinting that I no longer wanted to be with him, and I absolutely do not mean that.

Because here's the thing.  First of all, Shepard is in my life right now, obviously before any children.  He came first.  Secondly, if I told him to leave, I have no evidence I would find someone with whom to have children, or even another life partner.  Shepard's perfect, except for the children thing.

Also, I would need a partner who could 300% parent with me, not 100%.  I couldn't be up in the middle of the night with a child.  A child could physically hurt me very easily.  It's all too much...I would need protection from the other parent, who would essentially have to parent both the child and me.  I don't see that happening.

I definitely do need something to take care of.  There's a reason I plan to teach kindergarten, and I have told Shepard that one day, we are getting a cat: no ifs, ands, or buts.

Still, even having all that settled, I am grieving.  This isn't what I pictured for my life.

Yom HaShoah 5777 / Holocaust Remembrance Day 2017

Today is Holocaust Remembrance Day.  I am NOT going to be telling stories of my family here, because I have already told them too many times.  Instead, I will be telling you how I am observing the day this year.

First of all, I am dressed head to toe to remember.  Except for my kippah clips and hair tie (I'll get to those in a second), all my clothes are gray: gray striped shirt, gray skort, gray tights.  I am wearing my somber, black velvet kippah I set aside especially for these occasions. 

Both my kippah clips and my hair tie are yellow, a subtle tribute to my relatives and what they experienced, a reminder of the yellow star badges they were forced to wear.  Originally I was going to wear black clips to match the kippah, along with whatever hair tie I happened to be using at the time I brushed my hair today.  (I think it was navy blue.)  Then I got this yellow accessories idea, and I think they have meaning.

Aside from clothes, I am also doing something more major, borrowed from Tisha B'Av: today I am not engaging in pleasurable Torah study.  I have interpreted this in an extended way, to mean Bible, Psalms, and theology.  This practice is meaningful to me because originally, I had wanted to fast on Yom HaShoah, as we do on Tisha B'Av.  Then I found out that Yom HaShoah is in the one month on the Jewish calendar when we are forbidden to fast.  Therefore, I am appropriating other practices, such as this Torah study one.

Sunday, April 23, 2017


Finally, finally, finally, my college graduation gift of which I have been dreaming for almost a year is here! The main part, the candelabrum, arrived just in time for me to light my Sabbath candles in it Friday night.  I can never take a picture of it with candles lit, because photography is not allowed on the Sabbath/holidays, but I did snap this photo Saturday night, after the Sabbath, before I took down my candle set up.  You can see that this week, I used my new, pink-and-yellow runner.

I must admit that as I stared at this arrangement Saturday, I felt a twinge of sadness and longing for the children I will never have and raise.  Giving up on having children is the right decision for a number of reasons: it is not just that Shepard doesn't want them and I'm giving in to him.  However, I have dreamed of being a mother since forever.  As sad as I was over not having biological kids, that's how sad I am now over not having kids at all.  I'll adjust eventually, but right now I'm sad.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Much Recent Judaica

Below you will see pictures of my recent Judaica.  My graduation gift is finally in the process of happening.  (I had to reject that Israeli company, because they never shipped my order, refunded me, or gave me store credit--and it's been almost a year.  That said, I now get kippot from Etsy, and I found the exact same candelabrum on an American site.)  I have the kippah, but not the candelabrum just yet.  However, I also have another kippah--that means I am at FIFTY KIPPOT--and I made two table runners for Shabbat/holidays.

Friday, April 7, 2017

So much to catch you up on!

I have so much to catch you up on, faithful readers of my blog.  Many things of great importance have recently happened in my life.

The biggest piece of news is that my boyfriend is MOVING IN WITH ME, towards the end of next month! Yes, you read that correctly; really.  We are going to make one person's space work for two. We are very excited, and happy together.

Also, I no longer plan to have any children: birth, adoption, ever.  Shepard doesn't want them, and I want any child I have to be loved and wanted by both parents.  Besides, as people have pointed out over the years, with my disabilities, I'm really not suited to parent.

Passover is coming up in just a few days.  This year, I did not have to clean my apartment at all, because I will be visiting my parents for the whole holiday.  If you're not going to be somewhere, you don't have to clean.  My Grandma will be visiting us for the whole holiday, and towards the end, Shepard is coming up to meet my family.

After Passover come three small holidays: Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Remembrance Day), April 24th; Yom HaZikaron (Israel's Memorial Day), May 1st; and Yom HaAtzma'ut (Israel's Independence Day), May 2nd.  I no longer go to services for the first two, because they make me cry, and as an adult I choose not to cry if I have the choice.  The third is on a school day, so I don't know if I'll get anywhere for that, either.  Regardless, I have a special black kippah that I wear on days of mourning for tragedies, to wear on the first two; and for the third, I will dress in blue and white, the colors of Israel's flag.

Finally, a note about my academics: due to my five-week bipolar episode, I am taking incompletes in all three classes, and working into the summer.  This will also allow me to do things like sleep enough, not work when stressed, etc, going forward.  It's not the optimal solution--for instance, now I can't take summer courses--but it is the best I can do, and that's what matters.

So that's all the news in my life!


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About Me

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I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!