"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how big your God is."

I believe in God.

Sunday, September 25, 2011


I am...alarmed.No, even that is too strong a word just yet. I am anxious. Here is why: I think that I may be headed for a bipolar episode.

I have been irritable--too irritable--for days. Thankfully I still have enough emotional control to not show it, but I know I am not normally that irritable.

I have been getting lots and lots of sleep--eleven hours each the past three nights, plus a four hour nap yesterday--and I still have no energy.

What's more, I just...hurt inside, for no reason. Depression much?

Please pray for me that this isn't what I think it is. A bipolar episode is the last thing I need right now.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Demons and my Sister

Yesterday I fought a demon. I saw its face Friday night, and it made the demon I fought a couple of years ago positively cute. Demons are not cute, so that should tell you how scary it was.

Then yesterday I was waking up from a nap and sort of saw, but mostly created, a body for the demon. It became a little puny thing: still disgusting, because that's what demons are, but mostly harmless. It or the fear of it (hard to tell) was still bothering me though, so I went and read a book. In distracting myself, I got rid of my fear, and the demon left as well!

I can think of three things I might have done to call this demon to me. First of all, there was the not-quite-vision when I played with something I couldn't see. I am done playing with things I can't see. Secondly, as soon as this whole world started up again, I became afraid of demons again. Since I do not always fear demons when experiencing the Other World, I have a feeling I was reacting to something real, that a channel to demons really was open. That being said, I think the fear probably served as an invitation. If one wants to avoid demons, one must not be scared.

Lastly, and this was stupid of me, I referred to the demon I fought two years ago by name. A name, I have learned, is a powerful thing. If you have a demon's name, you have a major weapon against it. Calling it by its name is the best way to convince it that you are not afraid, at which point it will leave. Use a demon's name when it is not around, however, and you have just woken up the demons.

On a totally different topic...

Last night I was lying in bed and I wanted to talk to God: really talk to God, not just say my usual bedtime prayers. Of course I carefully considered which name to use, and settled on "Ein Sof, my Sister." Almost immediately, I saw colors confirming that I had chosen the right name, then more colors on my other side, and then I was being held and rocked to sleep by God.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

MY VISIONS (and other) ARE BACK!!!

I have a friend here who is taking a course that required her to interview people about their beliefs about the soul and then write about their answers. On Sunday, she interviewed me, so of course I told her pretty much everything. (Read back through the earlier years of this blog to learn about "pretty much everything.") Then, that very afternoon, I almost had a vision. I did not actually see anything, but I saw what I would have seen if I could have seen it. Then today...

Today! A few short hours ago I was saying my afternoon prayers. I had pulled out a chair in case I had a vision or something similar, because I prefer to vision sitting down. I entered that world today...actually entered it, not just saw it. In fact, I couldn't see anything! While there, I let my hand play with something (I tend to let my body, not my mind, lead during these kinds of experiences.) Because I couldn't actually see anything, I don't know what it was or what I was doing. Curiously enough, unlike the last time I played with something like this (Summer 2009), I don't feel the need to undo it.

Sunday, September 11, 2011


So here I am on the ten year anniversary of 9/11. I am eighteen years old.

Eight. I was eight years old on 9/11/01.

But the confusion touched me. It happened in a whirlwind. I came home and my father (then a member of the NY National Guard) was on his way out the door to New York City, with two big army-green duffel bags.

Yesterday at a lunch-and-learn at Hillel (Jewish Student Center) we talked about the Jewish response to catastrophe. We looked at several texts and talked about what they meant and decided there was no one correct Jewish response to catastrophe.

So tonight, I did what I always do on 9/11: I watched relevant videos on Youtube. This year, as always, I watched "Heaven 9/11", but unlike other years, this year I proceeded on to watching actual news footage from that fateful day.

Oh. My. Word. The screams of the victims, burning alive...the shocked horror of the news casters...Oh. My. Word.

After that, I was fooling around on Youtube, and came upon this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHxwCuJrskQ

It is in Hebrew, but I thought it strangely appropriate...as if I were fated to find it. Maybe I was. Anyway, don't worry; I found the version with English subtitles.


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I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!