"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how big your God is."

I believe in God.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Painful First Time Lesson

As you may or may not know, I am a reader of several blogs by families who have adopted children. I came across one a few weeks ago (allarepreciousinhissight.blogspot.com) in which the family's little grl was in the hospital following serious, complicated heart surgery. I immediately added her to my prayer list, and I prayed with devotion for her recovery.

That little girl's name was Chrissie, and she died yesterday.

Although I barely deserve to have any grief having only read about her, I am...cracked. Grown up. Older.

This is the first serious prayer of mine that did not come true, not even a little bit.

I prayed for no chronic pain and I am mobile now.

I prayed for help with bipolar disorder and I am mostly stable now.

I prayed and am praying for Abby Riggs (riggsfamilyblog.com) and she is getting better.

I prayed and am praying for Grady and as far as I know he's doing OK.

I prayed for Chrissie and she died.

Why, God? Why?

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


On Shavuot (coming up in a week), we read the Torah portion that includes the Ten Commandments, and if all goes well I will be the one to chant them for our congregation! Cool. Very cool. Hooray!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

My Need for God

First of all, I must admit that God sometimes takes a back burner in my life. Between schoolwork, relationships with friends and family, etc. I may be praying but I don't feel a thing. Spirituality takes work, and I don't always feel that I have the energy.

Until I spend a week feeling guiltily self centered and two days feeling extremely anxious, that is.

That's when I go and read Jewish philosophy, and then I feel better. I need God in my life.

Sidenote: Last Summer I was transported a couple of times to a beautiful world "above" this one. There were no differences, only variety, so everything was equally good...beautiful. For my own safety after experiencing the "culture shock" of coming back, I stopped going or allowing my self to go. Still, I miss that world a lot. It's not really the sort of feeling I can discuss with just anyone, so I sort of just carry my longing inside me. Who wouldn't yearn to go back?

Saturday, May 8, 2010

God and PreCalc

This is something I wrote in my journal tonight in response to The Way into Encountering God in Judaism (Neil Gillman), which I am currently reading:

"God defies mathematics. Enough said. No graph in polar, function, or standard mode, in degrees or radians, could ever define God. God is no more or less a simple point that God is the fanciest rose or limacon graph, but God is in all of these things. God is within mathematics."

God defies our explanations, yet God is in our explanations...

Saturday, May 1, 2010


I should be going to bed but I'm posting here first to see wehther I can't come up with something good. I have been trying to connect to God again recently but it's hard with so much schoolwork on my radar. I believe connection to God is like a faucet: we turn it on or off by our beliefs and activities. Sadly, mine is but a trickle right now.

We are currently counting the Omer, the weeks between Pesah and Shavuot. Pesah celebrates the Exodus from Egypt; Shavuot celebrates receiving the Torah and Mt. Sinai. The Exodus and Sinai are both more metaphorical than literal for me, but I love this time of year and find these two holidays so meaningful. I love celebrating our Torah, the unifying document of Judaism, regardless of how we got it.

Just counted Day 33 of the Omer: only 16 more days to go!


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I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!