"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how big your God is."

I believe in God.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

I pray, and then I advocate.

This morning I am praying.

Today I pray that someone will step up to adopt "Tatiana"--and her siblings.  "Tatiana" has an older brother, "Tristan," and and older sister, "Trudy."  I pray that someone step up to adopt all three.

It won't be easy, and I never said it would.  "Trudy" is already fifteen, and all three children have special needs.  ("Trudy" is HIV positive; "Tristan" has some global developmental delays.)  But please, someone feel called to adopt them!

Were I significantly older, I would seriously consider adopting all three in order to keep them together, but I'm not.  These children, especially "Trudy," are more of age to be my siblings, not my son and daughters.  Still, someone out there see them, please!

And, to help with that, here are their pictures:




Tatiana 2013

And, if you care to, you can visit Reece's Rainbow at reecesrainbow.com to find out more about this family and many other children needing homes.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Dashed Hopes, Smashed Dreams...Someone else step up!

So it turns out that I can never be "Tatiana's"  mother.  In the country she's from (I found that out privately; I'm not at liberty to share), one must be fifteen years older than the child one is adopting.  It's a good rule; it makes sense, and probably averts problems.  But I am only thirteen years older than "Tatiana." 

I'm sorry, Dearheart! I'd come for you if I could! But I will strain and push and do everything I can to get you a family somewhere else.  Come on, Family! Go get "Tatiana"! (And her brother and sister, "Tristan" and "Trudy", if you can.)

Monday, August 12, 2013

I'm in Love.

I'm in love with "Tatiana", and she's teaching me so much just by existing.  How to fight for a cause, for instance; or how true love and commitment, and the total joy they bring, feel.  Never will I forget the gut-wrenching "That's my daughter" feeling I had when I first saw her picture.  I probably cannot go get her, but she taught me the feeling; I won't go after anyone else unless I feel that feeling about him or her, too.

Please someone go get "Tatiana!" Rescue my little girl!

Sunday, August 11, 2013

The Oddest Experience

As I may or may not have mentioned previously on this blog, I have felt called by God to adopt for a long time.  For a while now, I have been aware that if one does the math, my children might already be living in the world somewhere.  It's better for them if they aren't, because I won't be ready to adopt for a good ten years at least yet, but they could be.

A couple days ago, I was browsing Reece's Rainbow when I came across the most beautiful girl.  Her name on the website is "Tatiana" and she is on this page: http://reecesrainbow.org/category/waiting-children/hiv-6 .  Part of me feels like SHE IS MY CHILD.  It makes no sense; the math does not work out. 

"Tatiana" will age out, onto the streets, in eight years.  Eight years from now, I will be just barely finishing Rabbinical school, with enormous debt, struggling to establish a career and scrambling to pay it off.  My time to adopt will come when I am an established professor and can take a semester or year off to stay home with my new child/ren.

So I guess what I'm saying is that if God wills it, "Tatiana" could hypothetically be mine when she is fifteen and I am 27.  But better for her, and for me, much better, if someone else gets there first.

All the best to "Tatiana"! Someone go get her, please!

"My" beautiful girl:

Tatiana 2013

Friday, August 9, 2013

A Humbling Experience

Yesterday, I got an email from my summer course professor saying that she wanted me to call so we could talk about my papers.  We settled on a time, and I did just that.

It turns out that she wants me to be doing something totally different than what I had been doing for her class or than I have ever done before.  Of course I can do it, because she wants me to and therefore I don't have a choice, but I'm really not sure how.  Anyway, it's humbling to have a professor tell you you're basically doing it all wrong.  Very nice to have one who cares enough to warn you before you turn in the final paper, but humbling nonetheless.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Comfort with God?

I was sitting in the car with my father yesterday, and we were talking about this and that Jewish.  We were discussing God's role in the Holocaust, and I suddenly turned to him and said, "Forget mainstream Conservative Jews who just don't care.  Take serious Conservative Jews.  Are serious Conservative Jews more comfortable with emotional problems than Orthodox Jews?" and he said yes, absolutely; that in fact, that was what made the difference.

I am slowly taking on more and more Jewish practice right now.  Two days ago I prayed once; yesterday I prayed twice; today I hope to pray three times and I also said the blessing after eating when I got done with breakfast.  I am loving my Judaism and doing Jewish things.  My metaphor of God as river and people as rocks is serving me well, though I do plan to go back to reading and seeking for a new one.  I believe we should always be growing and stretching our relationship with God.  Comfort feels nice, and is OK for a while, but we musn't just fall into it and forget to grow.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Rosh Hodesh Elul

Today is Rosh Hodesh Elul, the beginning of the Hebrew month of Elul, the last month of the year.  It is a time to reflect on our actions and choices of the previous year and figure out how to make better ones in the future.  Most of all, it is a time to analyze our relationships with God.

I have to say that, all things considered, I am fairly happy with my relationship with God at the moment.  I just recently got back into praying every day with tallis and tefillin; God and I are reunited and it feels so good.  I know I have work to do on my God-relationship--doesn't everyone?--but I can live with it where it is for now.  In my mind, that's progress.

In just one short month I will be sitting in the synagogue on Rosh HaShanah, the New Year, praying like crazy and listening to the Shofar (ram's horn) being blown.  Ten days later, I will be fasting and praying even more crazily on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.  Five days after that comes Sukkot; we will eat outside in booths and wave the Four Species: the palm branch (lulav), the myrtles (hadasim), the willows (aravot), and the citron (etrog).  Lastly, a week after that, we will celebrate the end and the beginning of the Torah reading cycle with the holiday of Simchat Torah, by dancing in the streets with the sacred Torah scrolls.  Expect lots of updates!

My Future

I know where I am going after college.

The Jewish Theological Seminary (henceforth referred to as JTS)'s Rabbinical school is calling my name.  Their courseload looks interesting and I like the product they turn out.  Best of all, if their website is an accurate reflection of their student population, I would finally be middle-of-the-road Jewishly.  I have never, but never, been middle-of-the-road Jewishly.

I have no desire to be a pulpit Rabbi.  Too much politics  in exchange for too little spirituality.  What I want is a Ph.D. in something Jewish (through JTS), and then I will teach.

Oh, I'm so excited...I can't wait!

Thursday, August 1, 2013


Oh yes I am.  I seem to be almost completely over my bipolar episode.  Just in time to enjoy the end of summer! Hooray! Life is nice.


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About Me

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I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!