I Have Returned

In my last post, I said my farewells as I moved to a blog that would focus on my chronic pain.  My chronic pain is not entirely under control, but I am basically fully functional now, and besides this is the blog on which I feel at home.  Therefore, I have come back here, hopefully to stay this time.

Things that have happened to me since I blogged here last:

1. I ended a semester at school (starting the next one in nine days).
2. I got my chronic pain mostly under control.
3. I applied early decision to Teach for America.
4. I started playing in earnest with my dollhouse again, and making things for it out of Sculpey III modelling clay.
5. MOST IMPORTANT: I have once again gotten very involved with my Judaism.  For Hannukah this year I got a fancy menorah and a gorgeous handwashing towel.  I put the menorah to good use over Hannukah; I intend to start ritually washing my hands every morning again tomorrow, so I can use the towel.  I now also pray three times daily again, and I have resumed my efforts to read through the entire Bible.

Of course, I am still praying--always!--for "my" Reece's Rainbow child, "Jacob."  A pair of siblings, "Trudy" and "Tristan", have also caught my attention, so I am going to blog about them too.  "Trudy" is sixteen years old, and is therefore only available to be adopted with "Tristan."  She is HIV positive, but otherwise fully functional.  "Tristan," her brother, is listed as having mental delays but being otherwise healthy.

Just in case anybody out there wants them, here are pictures of "Jacob", "Trudy", and "Tristan":


"Jacob"


"Trudy"


"Tristan"

It Had to Happen

Over the last few weeks, my chronic pain has kicked up significantly.  After much thought, heartache, and a rehab attempt gone horribly wrong, I have started a new blog on my other Google account.  It's called "Life in Pain, with Dignity"; the link is lifeinpainwithdignity.blogspot.com .  If you want to communicate with me, COMMENT OVER THERE, as that is the blog I will be checking.  See you soon!

"Approaching Yom Kippur"

Here is a poem I wrote in anticipation of Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year.  Its title is, naturally enough, "Approaching Yom Kippur."

"Approaching Yom Kippur"
To everyone I've injured,
I am sorry.

To the limping,
The wounded,
The maimed and the bleeding,
I'm sorry.

Kol Nidre.
Vidui.
U'N'taneh Tokef.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Forgive me?

I Am a Mystic

For years now, my parents have been calling me a mystic.  It was not a title that I wanted to take for myself because it just felt too...pretentious, or something.

Then...well, then, this past Rosh HaShanah (Jewish New Year) happened, and Oh. My. Goodness.

On the first day, I fended off a demon and glimpsed the angels.

On the second day, I spent time sitting with the angels.  I learned that they are formless by default and take forms when necessary.

Oh, and they left me a handle to tug on to take myself back to them.  It doesn't always work; I'm still learning how to use it.

But I would like to say that now I am a mystic.  Like, for real.

I KNOW

Over the past few weeks, through all the darkness and uncertainty, I have found comfort in clinging to all that I KNOW.  Here is a list:

I KNOW that God is with me.

I KNOW that God will not abandon me.

I KNOW that even if there is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is meaning in the moment, and that is enough.

I KNOW that I have friends who love me.

I KNOW that I have family who love me.

I KNOW that one day, if only in the World to Come or following the coming of the Messiah, my suffering will be ended.

I KNOW that I am walking this road with as much dignity as possible, and I KNOW I can be proud of myself for that.

All of the above, I KNOW.

"Dawn?"

Here is another poem about my disability, written today.  Its title is "Dawn?".

"Dawn?"
My heart pounds with my effort.
I swear to God I'm trying.

I do not swear easily,
Nor do I take God's name in vain.

My stomach churns.
My brain is spinning.
I cannot see the light of day.

Reeling, I try to comprehend
My new reality.

"Disabled Sweetness"

I have been thinking for a while now about the best way to do this post, a post on what being disabled means to me.  I finally decided to just let a poem I wrote today, "Disabled Sweetness," speak for itself.

"Disabled Sweetness"
Bending to the forces of a disability,
To the hand that shoves you down
And will not let you back up.

Asking for the help you need,
Always scared that they'll say no.

Learning to fall with dignity,
And--tearless--rise up again.

Bending--
Asking--
Learning--
Sweet lessons of life.