"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how big your God is."

I believe in God.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Identity Crisis

OK, I don't know if I even have words for this, so pardon my clumsy attempts.

This past Shabbat here at school was hosted by the Gay Straight Alliance. Up until last night, I had maintained a fragile self-acceptance by alternately ignoring my homosexuality or my Judaism as I engaged with the other.

Last night it was Shabbat, and I was sitting there being not-straight, and it all blew up in my face. I felt my Judaism slipping through my fingers faster than it has ever slipped away before.

I fought tooth and nail last night and today to get my Judaism back. I continued doing Jewish things; I remembered that we all, myself included, are created in the image of God; and I remembered yesterday's blog post.

I did not commit to be a Jew only when it was easy. I committed to being a Jew, period. I can be lonely and scared and confused with God, or I can be lonely and scared and confused without God. I choose to be with God.

Come what may, whatever happens, I will not lose my Judaism.


  1. As someone who has been walking this road for a while now... you don1t have to choose between the two. You can be non-straight and a Jew just at the same time.

  2. frankly i have to disagree with the first comment. the text you hold to be sacred clearly prohibits the lifestyle you are choosing. please know that i am not one of "those Christians" who will say you are going to hell for being gay & say it's worse than being a murderer. i choose to look at it logically. according to the Bible - which the Torah is part of - homosexuality is a sin. ever heard of Sodom & Gomorrah?

    that said, SIN IS SIN. God does not distinguish... if you go against Him in any way, whether it be acting on homosexual temptations, lying, stealing, murdering, whatever, that is going against His law. and, for me as a Christian & for you as a Jew, this is NOT okay. i think you know that... otherwise this post never would've been written.

    let me be clear: GOD WILL NOT HOLD YOUR DESIRES AGAINST YOU. even Jesus was tempted, i believe those stories are included in the Torah as well, when He was in the desert. i am tempted with things that God prohibits... but i am only guilty of sin when I CHOOSE TO ACT on them.

    you likely cannot control the attractions you have. (i say "likely" because as a heterosexual person i cannot fully understand anything else, so i will not tell you what you do or do not experience; to do so would be disrespectful & talking down to you, and i am no better than you the same way you aren't any better than me.) God made you the way He did, and that includes these things. but that does NOT mean you have to ACT on those things... just as i do not have to act on the temptations i experience.

    a friend of mine went from living a homosexual lifestyle to healing in Christ and is truly happy living as a heterosexual now, something this person thought as likely as living on the moon just a few years ago. if you ever want to talk or want to know more, i'm more than happy to listen. :-)

  3. p.s. - forgot to include this!

    what i wrote does NOT mean i believe that being homosexual means you aren't a Jew. when i sin - and both the Bible AND Torah say that acting on homosexual urges is sin, so this isn't me saying this but God saying so - that does not mean i become "less" of a Christian or lose my place in Christianity. the same is true of you & Judaism. and i have respect for Judaism, please remember that as a Christian i believe that my Savior was born & raised a Jew so to hate it would be to hate Him.

    being homosexual does not make you any less Jewish. but it DOES impact the relationship you have with God, because every single time you choose to EMBRACE something He REJECTS, you reject Him & basically say that you know better than the God whose authority you are under.

    if you read my blog, you will see that my latest entry shows a VERY flawed & fallen human being. i am in no way perfect, nor am i trying to preach to you. i am simply sharing what i hold as Truth, and in this area our faiths overlap. of course i struggle, of course i fail, of course i sin... but i do not CHOOSE to REMAIN in that sin. every time i fall, i confess it, pray for forgiveness, and ask God to help me do better next time.

    *that is all He asks of us... not to BE perfect, but to SEEK perfection.*


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I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!