Struggling

I'm really, really struggling with pain right now.  I am having a harder time than I've had since the pre-diagnosis days.  I don't really understand why; we did a full week of Ketamine last week, and now I'm feeling worse than I was before.

I am, however, a mighty strong human.  There is absolutely no way I can make it to the synagogue I like to go to (16 block walk each direction) this week.  I could choose to hole up and be miserable, but I am not.  Instead, I am trying out a different synagogue, the Orthodox synagogue five blocks away.  I can even do a five block walk twice, and I am desperate for socialization, so I am going both tonight and tomorrow.  I hope it's a nice place.

The holiday of Shavuot is coming up in just nine days.  Shavuot is when we celebrate the giving of the Torah at Mount Sinai.  I really doubt I'll be "well" by then, which is a shame because I want to hear the Ten Commandments in "my" synagogue.  If I can get there just one day, I am going the first day of the holiday, and attending services at the Orthodox synagogue the previous day (Sabbath) and the next day (second day holiday).  If I am still hurting this much, I will go to the Orthodox synagogue all three days.  I prayed with an Orthodox congregation my entire last semester in college, and on and off before that; I can do it again in a pinch.

At least for the first few times I attend that congregation, I am tucking in my tzitziot (holy fringes).  A woman in a kippah, especially a gigantic kippah such as I wear on Friday and holiday nights and am wearing right now, is shocking enough; I don't need to shock people anymore than I can help.

Back to the pain thing...it really doesn't help that my doctor is on vacation this week.  Don't think for a second I haven't considered calling for the on-call and making this an emergency; I have, because it's that bad.  Two things are stopping me.  Number one, I don't think there's anything a doctor can do for me short term.  The one time I did ask for the on-call, I was told to take extra medication and see if it helped, and to schedule more Ketamine.  Well the extra medication is not helping, and I can't schedule more Ketamine until I can speak to my doctor next week.

The other thing stopping me is whom I might get when I call.  There are two doctors in the practice other than my doctor.  I have nothing against one; he's just not the doctor I have come to trust.  The other one, however, is arrogant and condescending, and it almost literally makes me feel worse just to deal with him.

Depending on how fast my doctor can help me, I'm seriously considering getting a drastic haircut.  That would be sad, because I love the look of long hair; however, it's not worth the pain it puts me in.  I've lost enough weight now that I can pull off short hair.  If I did this, I would get my hair shortened to just one or two inches below my chin.  I haven't had hair that short in years, but again, we're trying to minimize pain.

No Reece's Rainbow kid today.  I need to focus on me.