Currently...

I found this on someone else's (ourjourneyoffaith.net) blog and thought it might be a nice distraction from some emotional challenges I'm having right now.

Currently, I am...

LOVING: my emotional strength; I may be broken but I am not conquered, and that is saying a lot.

READING: "Sex and Single Girls"; very entertaining, to say the least!

LISTENING TO: "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield; inspiring and comforting

WAITING FOR: 4:00 pm so I can go to the gym, which does not open until then.

DREAMING ABOUT: childhood...in a bad way.

EXCITED ABOUT: spending this Sabbath with my friends; always such fun!

OVERWHELMED BY: childhood memories

PRAYING FOR: "Erin," "Erin," "ERIN!!!" (and also healing for my aching heart and wounded soul.)

MISSING: my younger brother, who went through the same messed up school as I, and who therefore understands my trauma better than anyone else in my life.

TRYING: to hold on day by day between therapy sessions

WORKING AT: being happy and confident

HOPING FOR: inner peace

ENJOYING: coloring with my box of 120 crayons!

WEARING: a pair of "hand-me-up" shorts from my brother and a Habitat for Humanity t-shirt that I tie-dyed myself.

THANKFUL FOR: my family and friends.

"Erin"

So here I am, come full circle so to speak, posting again about "Erin." In case you have forgotten, or are new here, "Erin" is a ten year old girl from Russia who has Down Syndrome. She is listed for potential adoption on Reece's Rainbow (reecesrainbow.org) under Russia, Region 1.

A very long time ago (I think senior year of high school, and I'm a college sophomore now) I signed up to be "Erin's" Prayer Warrior. A Reece's Rainbow Prayer Warrior is assigned a child for whom the Warrior commits to praying daily. I have not always been able to manage this for "Erin," but when I felt as if I just couldn't do it and needed to find her a new Prayer Warrior, Julia from covenantbuilders.blogspot.com encouraged me and said she would be my back-up in case I forgot.

I have heard that as one prays for someone, one begins to love that someone. That is certainly the case for me with "Erin." I care deeply about that little girl. I long to see her find a family and opportunities to grow and blossom. I long to see her safe and loved.

Please consider praying for "Erin" with me.

Long Silence Explained

No, I have not been too busy to post. Physically (not painwise; I mean lifewise), at least, very little has been happening. And yet my mind has been very active.

This mental activity, however, is not something about which I can blog. It has to do with my past, and it is both too personal and too painful to post. Suffice to say I'm in a very difficult place right now.

So that is my explanation for the long silence.

Running on Zero

I am drained. I am tired. I am drop-dead exhausted.

My feet hurt.

The rest of me has felt like a giant fireball on and off all day.

I just got back into going to the gym. It is going to make me worse before it makes me better. The "make me worse" part could last for weeks.

I am drained. I am tired. I want out.

This was supposed to be a much longer blog post all about my new living arrangements, the loft bed my dad built me, my apartment mates, etc., but I think that that can wait for another night.

A Prayer-Letter

So I have moved into my apartment for the coming school year and am happily settling down with friends. It seems like a good time to write a prayer, but I am facing writer's block. It is my hope that by writing a public prayer, I will overcome that obstacle. Here goes.

Ein Sof, my Sister,

I thank You for always accompanying me on my journey through life. I know that I am made in Your image and that You will lead me along my paths, that my fate is in Your hands and that You will not desert me. I beg of You to protect those who need Your protection and to heal those who need Your healing.

I thank You, my Holy Social Worker, for providing me with wonderful friends. "Emily" and "Julie" are my apartment mates and I couldn't ask for better. Besides them, I have two or three other friends as well, and for that I am truly thankful.

Almighty God, Is-Was-Will-Be, I thank You for everything, always. I pray that I may always be Your partner in shaping this world. You give me the letters from which I may make words; You play the tune to which I may dance. I will rise up and LIVE, raise the next generation, be Your daughter, sister, client--perhaps even friend--for the remainder of my life. I thank You for the opportunity.

Love,
Your Girl

An Answer

I just got a question asking whether there was an original injury causing my RSD. The answer is both yes and no. I have always had flat feet, and long story short the podiatrist in my hometown never fully corrected the problem. In fact, I believe he made it worse by providing inadequate or outright wrong orthotics.

Miserable

I am miserable. I wish I were feeling something else, but I'm not, and I get to be honest here.

I am in a lot of pain,which is practically increasing by the day. I can't do anything about it until after finals are over, and I am scared to try. Today while shelving in the library where I work, I had to lean on the shelves to get on and off the footstool. My hands have been hurting pretty much whenever I tried to do anything all day. Even now, my face burns with pain.

I cannot let my employers know about the pain. This goes beyond fighting back etc. If my employers knew how much my job hurts, they wouldn't let me do that work. I would then only be useful to them as a desk person, which is what I do for roughly half my work hours. Thus, I would only be half as useful to them, and they might not choose to hire me anymore. We need the money too much for that.

Chronic pain makes finals week infinitely harder.