Hostility

I am facing real hostility from what I have always considered "my Jewish community" at my college, I think over my decision to become a Rabbi.  Yesterday I was walking down the street and I passed a Jewish guy I sort of know, so I smiled and greeted him.  To his credit, he did say the word "hello" back to me, but it was in this very "you are beneath my notice" kind of fashion.  I was left mentally spinning, thinking: Is he one of the ones shunning me due to the major bipolar episode? (Yes there are some.)  Is he one of the ones shunning me over my decision to become a Rabbi? (Yes there are a whole lot more.)  Have I committed some heinous third offense of which I cannot think off the top of my head?  As you can imagine, the whole incident was very upsetting.

I also got real flak from one of my roommates about my dream job.  (She brought it up.)  She literally said, and this is a direct quote, "You wanna go be a speechmaker be a speechmaker; I mean, that's what it sounds like."  I have never expressed a desire to make speeches, and certainly not to her! I'm not even particularly good at making speeches.  I know I'll have to as part of my job, and so I'll learn, but by no means is it the part of being a Rabbi to which I am most looking forward.

Also I know, I can just tell, that people are talking about me behind my back.  Every Tuesday night, the Chabad House at my college serves food and people show up to eat it.  It used to be the case that I would go and be really popular and have three groups of friends to greet.  Now I go and, most weeks, no one sits with me.  Granted last night one of my roommates did, but I'm not quite sure what to make of that; I really think she was just being nice because she was my roommate.

So I guess what I'll have to do is find myself a new community.  Jewish, non-Jewish, I will build them--slowly.  But I will only let in people who are good to me.

Jealousy

Jealousy is an ugly emotion, all-consuming and miserable and the like.  But it's what I'm feeling right now.

The other day I had a *perfectly friendly-sounding, mind you* conversation with someone, the upshot of which was, "Yes, you are more than welcome to put on tallis and tefillin in your room every day if you desire, but please never join our minyan."  So I am horribly jealous of my guy friends, who can just go...join a minyan, any day they choose, and put on tallis and tefillin, and it isn't an issue.

It's sexist, that's what it is.

That is all.

Life

Where have I been? Well, unfortunately, I have not been doing very well in ways that cannot be shared publicly, but that is a thing of the past.  I am on to bigger and better things now, namely trying to salvage my semester (that's not going very well haha) and dreaming of Rabbinical school.

I was actually just on the phone today with the Director of Admissions at the Jewish Theological Seminary and...I think...he likes me! He urged me to get involved with text study one on one while still in college, and my father tells me this can knock a year off my time in Rabbinical school, so I am trying to get that arranged.

The best news of all is my new friend "Katie".  She is sort of my Roman Catholic doppelganger (goodness I love that word now!) in  that she wanted to be a priest when she was younger and had a whole inner struggle with the whole "women can't be priests in the catholic church" thing.  Anyway, point is, a month and a half ago we didn't even know each other, and now we are close and share quite a lot.  Heaven only knows I love that girl!

I pray, and then I advocate.

This morning I am praying.

Today I pray that someone will step up to adopt "Tatiana"--and her siblings.  "Tatiana" has an older brother, "Tristan," and and older sister, "Trudy."  I pray that someone step up to adopt all three.

It won't be easy, and I never said it would.  "Trudy" is already fifteen, and all three children have special needs.  ("Trudy" is HIV positive; "Tristan" has some global developmental delays.)  But please, someone feel called to adopt them!

Were I significantly older, I would seriously consider adopting all three in order to keep them together, but I'm not.  These children, especially "Trudy," are more of age to be my siblings, not my son and daughters.  Still, someone out there see them, please!

And, to help with that, here are their pictures:

"Trudy":


"Tristan":


"Tatiana":



And, if you care to, you can visit Reece's Rainbow at reecesrainbow.com to find out more about this family and many other children needing homes.

Dashed Hopes, Smashed Dreams...Someone else step up!

So it turns out that I can never be "Tatiana's"  mother.  In the country she's from (I found that out privately; I'm not at liberty to share), one must be fifteen years older than the child one is adopting.  It's a good rule; it makes sense, and probably averts problems.  But I am only thirteen years older than "Tatiana." 

I'm sorry, Dearheart! I'd come for you if I could! But I will strain and push and do everything I can to get you a family somewhere else.  Come on, Family! Go get "Tatiana"! (And her brother and sister, "Tristan" and "Trudy", if you can.)

I'm in Love.

I'm in love with "Tatiana", and she's teaching me so much just by existing.  How to fight for a cause, for instance; or how true love and commitment, and the total joy they bring, feel.  Never will I forget the gut-wrenching "That's my daughter" feeling I had when I first saw her picture.  I probably cannot go get her, but she taught me the feeling; I won't go after anyone else unless I feel that feeling about him or her, too.

Please someone go get "Tatiana!" Rescue my little girl!

The Oddest Experience

As I may or may not have mentioned previously on this blog, I have felt called by God to adopt for a long time.  For a while now, I have been aware that if one does the math, my children might already be living in the world somewhere.  It's better for them if they aren't, because I won't be ready to adopt for a good ten years at least yet, but they could be.

A couple days ago, I was browsing Reece's Rainbow when I came across the most beautiful girl.  Her name on the website is "Tatiana" and she is on this page: http://reecesrainbow.org/category/waiting-children/hiv-6 .  Part of me feels like SHE IS MY CHILD.  It makes no sense; the math does not work out. 

"Tatiana" will age out, onto the streets, in eight years.  Eight years from now, I will be just barely finishing Rabbinical school, with enormous debt, struggling to establish a career and scrambling to pay it off.  My time to adopt will come when I am an established professor and can take a semester or year off to stay home with my new child/ren.

So I guess what I'm saying is that if God wills it, "Tatiana" could hypothetically be mine when she is fifteen and I am 27.  But better for her, and for me, much better, if someone else gets there first.

All the best to "Tatiana"! Someone go get her, please!

"My" beautiful girl: