My Inner Child

I have within my soul a pocket of trauma that goes back to around five years old. I call her my inner child.

My inner child has not been very inner recently. I have been clingy and needing lots of reaassurance, both verbal and nonverbal. And yet somehow my friends enjoy my company anyway. (They have told me so.)

I have also been taking that inner child and (silently, mentally) gently introducing her to my friends by saying things like, "This is 'Dan.' 'Dan' is cool. He likes to play board games. You like to play board games." or, "This is 'Julie.' You'll like 'Julie.' She's really very nice." etc.

The big problem is that my inner child does not want to meet 'Emily.' I have absolutely no idea why; 'Emily' is a good person and a wonderful roommate. Oh well. I'll probably figure that part out in therapy.

Friday night, I was at dinner at 'Dan's' house with 'Julie' and a bunch of people I didn't know. One of those people was a girl my age with her hair and makeup done in the style worn by the girl who made my life h*ll in elementary/middle school. When I saw her, my trauma signals went through the roof.

As luck would have it, I ended up sitting next to her at dinner. I felt threatened, but I found myself thinking, "D*mned if I'm going to spend the evening terrified of someone who's probably totally harmless." In order to conquer my fear, I turned to her and started making conversation, and guess what? We had very little in common, but she was totally harmless!

And then that night I woke 'Julie' and myself up crying in my sleep. ('Emily' is my roommate, not 'Julie,' but Friday night we stayed over at her parents' house and 'Julie' and I shared a bedroom.) Oh well. At least I tried.

Determination

Ah, childhood. Nostalgia goes along with it, no? Well, no. At least not for me.

I grew up in a school where, for whatever reason, I was picked on mercilessly. The more they picked on me, the more I cried; the more I cried, the more they picked on me. Naturally, I blamed myself.

In high school, I sought therapy, which helped some, but I was also getting accustomed to my RND and bipolar disorder, so the focus of my therapy sessions was not usually on my childhood. When I started collegel last fall, I wanted to believe that all I needed was time, space, and friendships in order to heal. I was wrong.

So here I am, six years out of that awful school, and beginning therapy again. And oh, is it painful.

Starting therapy again has undone me. I am turning back into a traumatized child. Each day is a balance of feeling my feelings, comforting myself, and distracting myself from my feelings. Each day is one day closer to my next therapy appointment.

As I mentioned in my post "Currently..." I am damaged, but not conquered. I can rise again. I will rise again.

Watch out, world.

Currently...

I found this on someone else's (ourjourneyoffaith.net) blog and thought it might be a nice distraction from some emotional challenges I'm having right now.

Currently, I am...

LOVING: my emotional strength; I may be broken but I am not conquered, and that is saying a lot.

READING: "Sex and Single Girls"; very entertaining, to say the least!

LISTENING TO: "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield; inspiring and comforting

WAITING FOR: 4:00 pm so I can go to the gym, which does not open until then.

DREAMING ABOUT: childhood...in a bad way.

EXCITED ABOUT: spending this Sabbath with my friends; always such fun!

OVERWHELMED BY: childhood memories

PRAYING FOR: "Erin," "Erin," "ERIN!!!" (and also healing for my aching heart and wounded soul.)

MISSING: my younger brother, who went through the same messed up school as I, and who therefore understands my trauma better than anyone else in my life.

TRYING: to hold on day by day between therapy sessions

WORKING AT: being happy and confident

HOPING FOR: inner peace

ENJOYING: coloring with my box of 120 crayons!

WEARING: a pair of "hand-me-up" shorts from my brother and a Habitat for Humanity t-shirt that I tie-dyed myself.

THANKFUL FOR: my family and friends.

"Erin"

So here I am, come full circle so to speak, posting again about "Erin." In case you have forgotten, or are new here, "Erin" is a ten year old girl from Russia who has Down Syndrome. She is listed for potential adoption on Reece's Rainbow (reecesrainbow.org) under Russia, Region 1.

A very long time ago (I think senior year of high school, and I'm a college sophomore now) I signed up to be "Erin's" Prayer Warrior. A Reece's Rainbow Prayer Warrior is assigned a child for whom the Warrior commits to praying daily. I have not always been able to manage this for "Erin," but when I felt as if I just couldn't do it and needed to find her a new Prayer Warrior, Julia from covenantbuilders.blogspot.com encouraged me and said she would be my back-up in case I forgot.

I have heard that as one prays for someone, one begins to love that someone. That is certainly the case for me with "Erin." I care deeply about that little girl. I long to see her find a family and opportunities to grow and blossom. I long to see her safe and loved.

Please consider praying for "Erin" with me.

Long Silence Explained

No, I have not been too busy to post. Physically (not painwise; I mean lifewise), at least, very little has been happening. And yet my mind has been very active.

This mental activity, however, is not something about which I can blog. It has to do with my past, and it is both too personal and too painful to post. Suffice to say I'm in a very difficult place right now.

So that is my explanation for the long silence.

Running on Zero

I am drained. I am tired. I am drop-dead exhausted.

My feet hurt.

The rest of me has felt like a giant fireball on and off all day.

I just got back into going to the gym. It is going to make me worse before it makes me better. The "make me worse" part could last for weeks.

I am drained. I am tired. I want out.

This was supposed to be a much longer blog post all about my new living arrangements, the loft bed my dad built me, my apartment mates, etc., but I think that that can wait for another night.

A Prayer-Letter

So I have moved into my apartment for the coming school year and am happily settling down with friends. It seems like a good time to write a prayer, but I am facing writer's block. It is my hope that by writing a public prayer, I will overcome that obstacle. Here goes.

Ein Sof, my Sister,

I thank You for always accompanying me on my journey through life. I know that I am made in Your image and that You will lead me along my paths, that my fate is in Your hands and that You will not desert me. I beg of You to protect those who need Your protection and to heal those who need Your healing.

I thank You, my Holy Social Worker, for providing me with wonderful friends. "Emily" and "Julie" are my apartment mates and I couldn't ask for better. Besides them, I have two or three other friends as well, and for that I am truly thankful.

Almighty God, Is-Was-Will-Be, I thank You for everything, always. I pray that I may always be Your partner in shaping this world. You give me the letters from which I may make words; You play the tune to which I may dance. I will rise up and LIVE, raise the next generation, be Your daughter, sister, client--perhaps even friend--for the remainder of my life. I thank You for the opportunity.

Love,
Your Girl