"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how big your God is."

I believe in God.

Monday, July 2, 2012

My Inner Child

I have within my soul a pocket of trauma that goes back to around five years old. I call her my inner child.

My inner child has not been very inner recently. I have been clingy and needing lots of reaassurance, both verbal and nonverbal. And yet somehow my friends enjoy my company anyway. (They have told me so.)

I have also been taking that inner child and (silently, mentally) gently introducing her to my friends by saying things like, "This is 'Dan.' 'Dan' is cool. He likes to play board games. You like to play board games." or, "This is 'Julie.' You'll like 'Julie.' She's really very nice." etc.

The big problem is that my inner child does not want to meet 'Emily.' I have absolutely no idea why; 'Emily' is a good person and a wonderful roommate. Oh well. I'll probably figure that part out in therapy.

Friday night, I was at dinner at 'Dan's' house with 'Julie' and a bunch of people I didn't know. One of those people was a girl my age with her hair and makeup done in the style worn by the girl who made my life h*ll in elementary/middle school. When I saw her, my trauma signals went through the roof.

As luck would have it, I ended up sitting next to her at dinner. I felt threatened, but I found myself thinking, "D*mned if I'm going to spend the evening terrified of someone who's probably totally harmless." In order to conquer my fear, I turned to her and started making conversation, and guess what? We had very little in common, but she was totally harmless!

And then that night I woke 'Julie' and myself up crying in my sleep. ('Emily' is my roommate, not 'Julie,' but Friday night we stayed over at her parents' house and 'Julie' and I shared a bedroom.) Oh well. At least I tried.


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I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!