Tuesday, May 22, 2012
An Answer
I just got a question asking whether there was an original injury causing my RSD. The answer is both yes and no. I have always had flat feet, and long story short the podiatrist in my hometown never fully corrected the problem. In fact, I believe he made it worse by providing inadequate or outright wrong orthotics.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Miserable
I am miserable. I wish I were feeling something else, but I'm not, and I get to be honest here.
I am in a lot of pain,which is practically increasing by the day. I can't do anything about it until after finals are over, and I am scared to try. Today while shelving in the library where I work, I had to lean on the shelves to get on and off the footstool. My hands have been hurting pretty much whenever I tried to do anything all day. Even now, my face burns with pain.
I cannot let my employers know about the pain. This goes beyond fighting back etc. If my employers knew how much my job hurts, they wouldn't let me do that work. I would then only be useful to them as a desk person, which is what I do for roughly half my work hours. Thus, I would only be half as useful to them, and they might not choose to hire me anymore. We need the money too much for that.
Chronic pain makes finals week infinitely harder.
I am in a lot of pain,which is practically increasing by the day. I can't do anything about it until after finals are over, and I am scared to try. Today while shelving in the library where I work, I had to lean on the shelves to get on and off the footstool. My hands have been hurting pretty much whenever I tried to do anything all day. Even now, my face burns with pain.
I cannot let my employers know about the pain. This goes beyond fighting back etc. If my employers knew how much my job hurts, they wouldn't let me do that work. I would then only be useful to them as a desk person, which is what I do for roughly half my work hours. Thus, I would only be half as useful to them, and they might not choose to hire me anymore. We need the money too much for that.
Chronic pain makes finals week infinitely harder.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Yom Ha'Atzma'ut and Pain
Firstly, please note that I will still be taking questions via the comment box on the "YOUR Questions, MY Answers!" post.
With that announcement made, I am once again merging two topics into one blog post for the sake of, well, only writing one blog post.
To get the bad news out of the way...
My RND has taken another turn for the worse. I have not been to the gym in months for various reasons, so this is partially my fault. Still, it is now worse than worse.
To the casual observer, there is nothing wrong with me. A slightly more careful observer might notice something on my bad days--the fact that I lean on the left-hand banister going up and down the stairs, or the way I step carefully down off step stools etc. left foot first--or maybe not. With rare (if any) exception, however, nobody comes close to knowing how bad this feels until I tell them, and that's the way I like it.
That said, let's move on.
Today is Israel's independence day! The country is still young, at only 64 years old! I was there in 2009, folks; Israel is BEAUTIFUL. Let the celebrations ensue!
With that announcement made, I am once again merging two topics into one blog post for the sake of, well, only writing one blog post.
To get the bad news out of the way...
My RND has taken another turn for the worse. I have not been to the gym in months for various reasons, so this is partially my fault. Still, it is now worse than worse.
To the casual observer, there is nothing wrong with me. A slightly more careful observer might notice something on my bad days--the fact that I lean on the left-hand banister going up and down the stairs, or the way I step carefully down off step stools etc. left foot first--or maybe not. With rare (if any) exception, however, nobody comes close to knowing how bad this feels until I tell them, and that's the way I like it.
That said, let's move on.
Today is Israel's independence day! The country is still young, at only 64 years old! I was there in 2009, folks; Israel is BEAUTIFUL. Let the celebrations ensue!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
YOUR Questions, MY Answers!
Let's try this! Ask a (polite, civil, respectful) question via the comment box and I will answer! Answers will be given when I have time in the order in which the questions are received. Ready...set...GO!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
God as our Guest and Holocaust Remembrance Day
Firstly, the other day I had a new idea about God. When we pray, we are inviting God in, creating an environment for interaction, inviting God to meet with us as much as the other way around (us meeting with God). In my humble experience, encounters with God can happen both in this world and the Other. In Hallel, the songs of praise recited on holidays, we say "Hashamaim shamaim l'Adonai, v'ha'aretz natan lv'nai Adam." This means "The Heavens, the Heavens belong to God, and the Land He has given to people." In other words, when we pray while inside our physical bodies, GOD IS OUR GUEST!
This being the case, it is important to find or create the right environment for prayer. Open a window; clean up your floor; go outside to a forest, creek, or meadow during nice weather. Also, pick up litter throughout your day. Go the extra mile to make God welcome in our world!
On a more sober note, today is Holocaust Remembrance Day. I honestly had forgotten until I saw my facebook friends' statuses. Some say "never again" means building memorials. I say "never again" means speaking out against injustice, wherever we see it.
On this day, I especially remember the Dafners, 20-something relatives of mine from Wolbrum, Poland who were murdered by the Nazis. I mourn by Baron/Baran/Barron/etc. relatives as well, but I saw so many Baron/Baran/Barron/etc.s on the Warsaw ghetto records that it is truly impossible to know who were my relatives and who were not...and that's Warsaw alone.
The college in my hometown holds a 24-hour, nonstop, out loud name-reading vigil. (I'm fairly sure they use the Auschwitz death lists but I'm not certain.) My elementary/middle school always took the middle school students to that vigil to take their turn reading names. When I was in seventh or eighth grade, I peeked over the shoulder of the reader before me and saw a name: Ruth Dafner. I use her full name here because she deserves to be remembered and because it just feels right. So Ruth Dafner, wherever, whenever, whatever you currently are, I am thinking of you today and hold you in loving memory!
This being the case, it is important to find or create the right environment for prayer. Open a window; clean up your floor; go outside to a forest, creek, or meadow during nice weather. Also, pick up litter throughout your day. Go the extra mile to make God welcome in our world!
On a more sober note, today is Holocaust Remembrance Day. I honestly had forgotten until I saw my facebook friends' statuses. Some say "never again" means building memorials. I say "never again" means speaking out against injustice, wherever we see it.
On this day, I especially remember the Dafners, 20-something relatives of mine from Wolbrum, Poland who were murdered by the Nazis. I mourn by Baron/Baran/Barron/etc. relatives as well, but I saw so many Baron/Baran/Barron/etc.s on the Warsaw ghetto records that it is truly impossible to know who were my relatives and who were not...and that's Warsaw alone.
The college in my hometown holds a 24-hour, nonstop, out loud name-reading vigil. (I'm fairly sure they use the Auschwitz death lists but I'm not certain.) My elementary/middle school always took the middle school students to that vigil to take their turn reading names. When I was in seventh or eighth grade, I peeked over the shoulder of the reader before me and saw a name: Ruth Dafner. I use her full name here because she deserves to be remembered and because it just feels right. So Ruth Dafner, wherever, whenever, whatever you currently are, I am thinking of you today and hold you in loving memory!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
In honor of my classmate...
...I wrote the following poem. I've written better in my time, but that is not the point.
I sat to write a poem; I wanted it to come.
Sat down to write a poem. I waited, feeling numb.
My words were gone; my faith was gone; I did not understand
What kind of world we're living in, if this was God's command.
Some say it's better this way, and that this was God's call;
I say it would be better without happening at all.
I read it once; I read it twice; the news did not sink in;
One thing I know for certain: he was innocent of sin.
When it all finally sank in, I knew that he had died;
When the news finally sank in, I crumpled up and cried.
[...], this is for you; you were held very dear.
[...], this is for you, and we'll always be near.
I sat to write a poem; I wanted it to come.
Sat down to write a poem. I waited, feeling numb.
My words were gone; my faith was gone; I did not understand
What kind of world we're living in, if this was God's command.
Some say it's better this way, and that this was God's call;
I say it would be better without happening at all.
I read it once; I read it twice; the news did not sink in;
One thing I know for certain: he was innocent of sin.
When it all finally sank in, I knew that he had died;
When the news finally sank in, I crumpled up and cried.
[...], this is for you; you were held very dear.
[...], this is for you, and we'll always be near.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
No True Judge
Remember that boy in my high school graduating class? The one who was diagnosed with leukemia?
He died last night.
I cannot believe it. On an irrational level, I kind of want to see the body just for proof.
The traditional Jewish thing to say when somebody dies is "Baruch dayan ha'emet." Referring to God, it means "Blessed is the True Judge."
So baruch dayan ha'emet, God, and I hope it makes you happy. You are no True Judge in my mind.
In Judaism we wrestle with God. According to a book by Neil Gillman (The Way Into Encountering God in Judaism), God welcomed Abraham's challenge when God proposed His plan to wipe out Sodom and Gomorrah, and God welcomes our challenges today. What we are not permitted to do is disengage.
So I will continue my daily prayers, completion of mitzvot, and everything else. But never will I understand the death of an innocent 19 (I think) year old.
Baruch dayan ha'emet. It may not be true, but what else can I say?
He died last night.
I cannot believe it. On an irrational level, I kind of want to see the body just for proof.
The traditional Jewish thing to say when somebody dies is "Baruch dayan ha'emet." Referring to God, it means "Blessed is the True Judge."
So baruch dayan ha'emet, God, and I hope it makes you happy. You are no True Judge in my mind.
In Judaism we wrestle with God. According to a book by Neil Gillman (The Way Into Encountering God in Judaism), God welcomed Abraham's challenge when God proposed His plan to wipe out Sodom and Gomorrah, and God welcomes our challenges today. What we are not permitted to do is disengage.
So I will continue my daily prayers, completion of mitzvot, and everything else. But never will I understand the death of an innocent 19 (I think) year old.
Baruch dayan ha'emet. It may not be true, but what else can I say?
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About Me
- free_to_dream
- I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!