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"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how big your God is."

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Sunday, May 24, 2009

Finding God in the Darkness

So recently I have been very angry about a certain situation in my childhood, which was in a nutshell a group of kids all lumped together and left alone to suffer and hurt and fight and suffer some more. I have been angry at myself for certain unethical decisions I made in that situation. I have been angry at my parents for leaving me there. I have been angry with the teachers and principal who watched it all unfold and did nothing to stop it. Most of all, I have been angry with God.

Now being angry with God is not a comfortable place to be, but it is nonetheless a necessary step on the road to accepting one's past. There is no denying that God, the Father, the King, the Judge, the Master, the MERCIFUL, could have taken me out of that situation if He wanted to. God who gave me the silence I had to keep in order ot continue writing, the courage to share my writing at eighth grade graduation when they couldn't hurt me anymore, the friend or two who made my life there that much easier, and the safety found at home--that God--could just have shut down the situation. If we accept an omnipotent God, a necessary concept for any religion, then we confront this difficult question: Where was God in my childhood, and more broadly in anybody's bad childhood, and more broadly still in human suffering? Where is God when we cry out and all we get is "No"?

Because being angry at God is not comfortable, I searched long and hard for any way out. I screamed and raged and cried at God: "Where were you? Why? Why didn't you stop it?" and then I went to sleep. When I woke up, I had remembered miracles of which I had known all along, but that still didn't answer the question of why I had to be there in the first place. So I did the obvious teen girl thing: I went and asked my mother.

I really, really liked her answer. She said, "If you see a surgeon, he's going to hurt you, but it doesn't mean he isn't doing exactly what he's supposed to do." God was my surgeon, carving me up and leaving scars that ultimately have made, and will continue to make, me into a simply awesome person. I see God now in the way in which I reach out to others and make a dent in their suffering. I see God now in my nearly tireless energy for social justice and setting things right. I see God in the future, in all the children I will have and raise to know empathy and love. And all of those abilities--my love, my passion, my empathy--were deepened by my suffering.

The God who allowed me to be scarred, who stood by and watched as I got hurt, is the same God who will watch me continue His work in the world as I love His people Israel and all of His people, indeed all of His creation. That is where God was in my suffering.

I challenge you to call to Him and find Him in your own.

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I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!