Back to Life

When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I went through a phase where I would not worship. Not that I didn't believe in God; I was just too angry to do anything about it. After I started praying etc. again, I found tthat I could not get kavanah (concentration and devotion). It simply wasn't happening.

That phase lasted up until yesterday evening, when all of a sudden my life just started to fall into place. I reread the journal entries I mentioned in my last post. On one of my favorite blogs, I read a post about when religion hurts; it said exactly what I had been feeling. Most exciting of all, I am a candidate for a scholarship for an Israel program next summer. God as good as told me I'd be back to Israel; maybe this will be how.

After I discovered all of the above, I went to say my evening prayers...and had a vision. It was more colorful, vivid, and dramatic than any vision I've ever had before. After that, while I was in the shower, something spoke to me through me and told me my friend "John" is connected to my visions. Right after I said that, I felt much older spiritually. Dropping off to sleep last night, I saw all different colors dancing around in my mind. They were potential visions that I chose not to engage because I wanted to get some sleep. This morning while I was praying I started to have a vision as well. I stopped because I got bored--it was such a commonplace vision!--but the fact that there can even be commonplace visions makes me very happy.

If this is the stronger spirituality that comes with being tested, bipolar disorder was worth it, no doubt.