Tests of Faith

I was rereading my journal today, and came across some prayers--letters to God, really--that I wrote on the way to Israel. In the letters I promised all kinds of things. I promised that I belonged to God, would never forsake God, would never forget God. I promised that I would always keep in touch. In short, I promised an enduring relationship with God.

When I left for Israel, I had it made. I had friends and family who loved me; I was healthy; I was exactly where I wanted to be. Shortly after I arrived in Israel, I realized I was lesbian. Then my physical pain got worse. Then I spun out of emotional control and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

We see this theme over and over in the Torah: God makes someone's life really good, and then God tests that person. Promises of loyalty and allegiance don't mean much when life is good. I know--I just know--that God sent me to Israel to test me, and the fact that I'm having problems praying is part of the test. I know that I will come through this ordeal as a stronger Jew. I know God is secretly holding my hand all the time; I just can't feel it. That's part of the test.