My Blogging Career (bipolar episode update at the end)

I just realized that I have been blogging for almost five years. What started as a way to vent about pain without overburdening my friends has become a chronicle of my life with at least four people reading regularly--and I love it! I love sharing with the world, hoping someone will be inspired, touched, or even just plain interested in what I have to say.

Many of you have likely noticed that I used to maintain three blogs, and now only use this one. There is a good story behind that, and I am now going to tell it.

When I first ventured into the blog world, I very quickly discovered that I enjoy reading blogs about and/or by large families, many of whom are very Christian. I have absolutely nothing against Christianity, but there were times when I didn't feel like wading through religious posts to get to the large family posts. Because of that, I decided not to blog about religion.

As I went on through high school, however, religion became a much bigger part of my life, and I felt like a hypocrite for not blogging about something so huge. I began another blog (this one) so that people could read about my religious life if they wanted to, and not if they didn't. I continued to blog about other things on my other blog.

When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I decided to start yet another blog for that, and chronicle my everyday life there. Once I was stabilized, however, I faced a confusing choice: should I blog about daily life on my pain blog, or on my bipolar blog? For a while, I flip-flopped back and forth, depending on which invisible illness was affecting me more at the time.

Finally I admitted to myself that religion is not just part of my life; religion IS my life. I am firmly Jewish, rooted to the ground and at the same time soaring upward as I pray (both the required prayers [required thrice daily but I usually only manage once] and my own prayer-letters.) Because of how much influence religion has on my life, I decided to only keep updating this blog, and make it my blog about anything and everything.

On the bipolar front, so far I seem to be doing OK today. I get swoops of stomach-sickening fear washing through me, and the noise from the air conditioner is unpleasent, but that is all. At some point I will have to venture into the basement (out and around) of the apartment house to get my laundry, but I cannot face that task just yet.

Spoken Too Soon

I am not "back to normal" yet. My noise thresholds rise and drop, drop and rise again. The occasional wave of fear still washes over me, and I still feel irritable for little or no reason at all. This is much better, much milder than last week's symptoms, but I am still sick and this still sucks.

OK, let's find some thankfulness!

Here in this episode, I am thankful for all the things I mentioned last week, as well as a Great Big God Who created bipolar disorder and Who can get rid of it at any time. Right now, I trust that God completely. Symptoms are lightening up and I have no doubt they will eventually go away.

And while I'm at it: lest you readers forget,if you are the praying type, please do not just pray for me and neglect to pray for "Erin." She needs prayers too, perhaps even more desperately than I.

Talking Religion

I have noticed that many of the Christian blogs I read have a certain way of talking about/describing God and religion that I just do not encounter among Jews. Don't get me wrong; I love my people very much and am fiercely proud of my origins. It's just interesting, and a little bit frustrating, that many Christians will let their spirituality run free while almost no Jews will. A prime example is the title of this blog. It is inspired by a line from psalm 91 (my favorite psalm): "He will instruct His angels to guide you on your paths, to carry you in their hands lest you stumble on a stone." (Siddur Sim Shalom translation) Despite the fact that psalms are a major part of Jewish liturgy, the title "Carried in His Hands" has a distinctly Christian ring to it because the vast majority of Jews simply do not talk that way.

Now I would like to talk about an issue that is burdening my heart, and that issue is the number of people needing prayer for various reasons. The one problem I have with reading so many blogs (21!) is that sometimes it seems as though everyone needs prayer at the same time. I am human; I can only pray for a finite number of people, and that number varies. There was a time when I could handle up to seven, but that time is not now. At the moment I can only handle two: me (I really am going through a lot right now what with therapy, bipolar disorder, and chronic pain, so I do not feel guilty inclluding myself in my prayers) and my little Reece's Rainbow girl, "Erin." I would love to be able to pray for more, but the two of us are taking all my spiritual energy right now.

The Joys of Feeling Normal

I am going to cautiously, tentatively say that I feel normal. I mean, I know I feel normal, but I am cautious about saying that I actually am "back to normal."

That being said:

I can read, and concentrate! I can venture beyond my room (into the rest of the apartment) and still feel comfortable! I can follow my thoughts, and actually think them, one at a time! Still drop-dead exhausted (I just woke up from a three hour nap), and still taking that as a good sign.

I have reason to believe that at least one reader has been praying for me, and so I thank you all. Thank you!

An Update

After a very difficult Sabbath spent at my friend "Julie's" house with her five younger siblings (difficult due to my bipolar disorder, NOT due to her or her family), I think I have turned the corner and am starting to feel better. The train ride back from "Julie's" house left me somewhat overstimulated such that finding the words for this post is a little bit difficult, but it was not nearly as overstimulating as the trip to her house on Friday. I am overstimulated enough that I will go into mild "stimulation management" mode (soft music; coloring, browsing the internet or playing solitaire), but not so much that I need major "stimulation management" mode (weighted blanket; squishy pillow; solitaire at best, more likely pacing back and forth or curled up whimpering because the world is going too fast). I am not feeling at all depressed, and I am drop-dead exhausted from yesterday's mania, which I think is a good sign because it means I am coming off it. I think the end of this episode *may* be in sight. Such a blessing!

Also, today is the seventeenth of the Hebrew month of Tamuz, the day when the Babylonians breached the walls of Jerusalem during their conquering thereof. We Jews remember/memorialize this sad day by fasting sun up to sundown. Six hours to go.

Episoding...

I am definitely in the thick of an episode. We know why; we know what caused it (experimenting with lowering a certain medication). Now we just have to get me out of it.

Today was hard. I spent the first third or so feeling so depressed I just wanted to go back to bed, much of the rest feeling so overstimulated I was trying to muffle the sound of cards as I played solitaire, and am now tentatively feeling all right because I am listening to music and surfing the internet. If I tried to go "live life" right now, I would not feel OK.

It's funny, but I was just reading a post over at Large Families on Purpose (largefamiliesonpurpose.com) about choosing thankfulness. So. Here we go: a "thankful-while-bipolar" list.

While in this episode, I am thankful that:

1. It's happening while I have no obligations, educational or otherwise.

2. I live with good friends who are loving, supportive, and forgiving.

3. I have a competent psychiatrist.

That, sadly, is all I can think of right now.

A Storm is Coming.

I think I may be headed into another bipolar episode, and I don't understand why. I have done nothing to provoke this than work hard in therapy--which obviously must continue--and write letters to God. But those letters were one-sided conversation, and the one time I started to vision, I broke it off way quickly!

Anyway, I am currently dealing with rapid mood swings from irritation to world-is-too-big to fear to no-energy. THIS IS NOT GOOD.

Prayers please?