Tisha B'Av Musings: the Holocaust and "To Everything There is a Season"

Although my philosophically mournful mood failed around midday and now I am counting down the hours until I can eat, I did have some interesting thoughts this morning and would like to share them. Quoted from my journal:

"Everything I read about Tisha B'Av is about rebuilding, renewing, re-hoping! I just want to feel my feelings.
"Tragedies are sad. And dealing with them takes work, both individual and communal.
"Perhaps we can be done with the communal grief on Tisha B'Av. But my individual grief is just beginning. I'm just starting to comprehend the enormity of Jewish tragedies (from the destruction of the Temple to the Holocaust) and their effects on our people. It's too soon to be happy yet."

"Honestly, I seem to mostly be mourning the Holocaust. It seems more accessible, somehow--more modern and close to home--than the destruction of the Temple. I've seen pictures of the Holocaust. I know people who know survivors. I've read eyewitness accounts. By contrast, the destruction of the Temple seems like a story: a horrible story, yes, but nonetheless a fairy tale.
"Also, despite my best planning, I have not gotten around to mourning assimilation yet. I am simply still stuck in the Holocaust."

I really love the way the Jewish calendar provides time to feel every possible feeling. There are days for joy and for sorrow; times to fear God, to thank God, to love God, even (in psalms) to reverently scold God. The Jewish year, its special times, and our relationship with God, are truly three dimensional if we allow our souls to cooperate.

Also, check out this thought-provoking article from the Jerusalem Post:
http://www.jpost.com/Opinion/Editorials/Article.aspx?id=181953

Tisha B'Av

Tomorrow night begins Tisha B'Av, the ninth day of the Hebrew month of Av, a day of fasting and mourning for the loss of the Temple and other Jewish tragedies. My family does not observe this fast day, but last Summer in Kansas I had an opportunity to experience it for real.

And I loved it.

Call me crazy, but it's true.

On Tisha B'Av, Jews everywhere cease to eat or drink, wear leather shoes, bathe or anoint, study Torah, or have marital relations for 25 hours. It is customary to sit on a low stool or the floor until midday, and some even sleep on the floor. The scroll of Eicha (Lamentations) is read in synagogues, extra prayers are said, and the tallis and tefillin are not worn until afternoon prayers. (They are usually donned in the morning.)

What will I mourn this year?

I will mourn for the Temple; I will mourn for those who died at Masada; I will mourn for the victims of the Inquisition; I will mourn for the victims of the Holocaust.

And I will also mourn assimilation.

I will mourn for the Jewish children who receive no Jewish education.

I will mourn for those Jews who have never known the joys of Shabbat.

I will mourn for those Jews who do not support Israel.

Because truly, they are missing something.

Painful First Time Lesson

As you may or may not know, I am a reader of several blogs by families who have adopted children. I came across one a few weeks ago (allarepreciousinhissight.blogspot.com) in which the family's little grl was in the hospital following serious, complicated heart surgery. I immediately added her to my prayer list, and I prayed with devotion for her recovery.

That little girl's name was Chrissie, and she died yesterday.

Although I barely deserve to have any grief having only read about her, I am...cracked. Grown up. Older.

This is the first serious prayer of mine that did not come true, not even a little bit.

I prayed for no chronic pain and I am mobile now.

I prayed for help with bipolar disorder and I am mostly stable now.

I prayed and am praying for Abby Riggs (riggsfamilyblog.com) and she is getting better.

I prayed and am praying for Grady and as far as I know he's doing OK.

I prayed for Chrissie and she died.

Why, God? Why?

SO EXCITED

On Shavuot (coming up in a week), we read the Torah portion that includes the Ten Commandments, and if all goes well I will be the one to chant them for our congregation! Cool. Very cool. Hooray!

My Need for God

First of all, I must admit that God sometimes takes a back burner in my life. Between schoolwork, relationships with friends and family, etc. I may be praying but I don't feel a thing. Spirituality takes work, and I don't always feel that I have the energy.

Until I spend a week feeling guiltily self centered and two days feeling extremely anxious, that is.

That's when I go and read Jewish philosophy, and then I feel better. I need God in my life.

Sidenote: Last Summer I was transported a couple of times to a beautiful world "above" this one. There were no differences, only variety, so everything was equally good...beautiful. For my own safety after experiencing the "culture shock" of coming back, I stopped going or allowing my self to go. Still, I miss that world a lot. It's not really the sort of feeling I can discuss with just anyone, so I sort of just carry my longing inside me. Who wouldn't yearn to go back?

God and PreCalc

This is something I wrote in my journal tonight in response to The Way into Encountering God in Judaism (Neil Gillman), which I am currently reading:

"God defies mathematics. Enough said. No graph in polar, function, or standard mode, in degrees or radians, could ever define God. God is no more or less a simple point that God is the fanciest rose or limacon graph, but God is in all of these things. God is within mathematics."

God defies our explanations, yet God is in our explanations...

Rambling

I should be going to bed but I'm posting here first to see wehther I can't come up with something good. I have been trying to connect to God again recently but it's hard with so much schoolwork on my radar. I believe connection to God is like a faucet: we turn it on or off by our beliefs and activities. Sadly, mine is but a trickle right now.

We are currently counting the Omer, the weeks between Pesah and Shavuot. Pesah celebrates the Exodus from Egypt; Shavuot celebrates receiving the Torah and Mt. Sinai. The Exodus and Sinai are both more metaphorical than literal for me, but I love this time of year and find these two holidays so meaningful. I love celebrating our Torah, the unifying document of Judaism, regardless of how we got it.

Just counted Day 33 of the Omer: only 16 more days to go!