"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how big your God is."

I believe in God.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Revealing God, Special Feelings, Venting, and Psalm 23

Revealing God
Last night, as I sat around the dinner table with my family singing Shabbat songs, I had a thought I really liked and wanted to share. I realized that it is not up to God to reveal God's self; it is instead up to us to reveal God.

Take my experiences with "Erin" as an example. When I could no longer be her prayer warrior, I could have prayed--and in fact I did pray--for someone to come take over. Fine. All well and good. God could do that.

But God didn't. I worked to find "Erin" a new prayer warrior. And Julia's proposed solution (pairing up) was a result of that. It was the perfect solution; one could argue that it was made in Heaven. But I had to find it.

Special Feelings
Recently, during the majority of my prayer times, I get a special feeling inside, as if I am very excited but extremely at peace all at the same time. You might think these two feelings are opposites, and I would, too. But somehow, when I pray, they coexist.

Also, today while I was lying in bed trying to take a nap, I had a thought that I don't really think came from me and might have come from God. It was just a sentence fragment: "...someone lighter than you..." I will not try to interpret it, because my interpretations have been wrong at least as often as they have been right. But I am excited to find out what it means.

I have been in a lot of pain recently. Every day is bad; I am only taking one at a time because that's all I, or anyone really, can do. People who think they can take life all at once are fooling themselves. Anyway, I have discovered that what ever level pain is at in the worst hurting body part, it can be perceived as about two numbers higher on the scale of one to ten if other parts are hurting as well.

Psalm 23
I have a little secret to how I survive horrible pain, how I continue doing exercises that hurt and hurt and hurt. My little secret is psalm 23, the Artscroll translation of which is reproduced below.

A psalm by David: HASHEM is my shepherd, I shall not lack. In lush meadows He lays me down, beside tranquil waters He leads me. He restores my soul. He leads me on paths of justice for His Name's sake. Though I walk in the valley overshadowed by death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me. Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in view of my tormentors. You anointed my head with oil, my cup overflows. May only goodness and kindness pursue me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the House of HASHEM for long days.

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I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!