"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how big your God is."

I believe in God.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Mixed Feelings

Upon reflection on my situation, and particularly on the medical leave, I feel a jumble of feelings, some positive and others not so much. I guess this is natural. Right now I am feeling down, but here is a list of what I have felt and why:

1. Relief: Because school was so painful and because it was so impossible for me to keep up, I feel relieved to have that weight off my shoulders.

2. Happiness: Honestly, it is nice not having to worry about exams etc. I would take my old life back in a heartbeat, but if I have to live as I do right now, I will take my happiness where I can get it.

3. Sadness: I feel sad about having to give up my classes. I chose them carefully, daydreamed about them ahead of time, and until it became too hard for me to keep up, I was legitimately enjoying them.

4. Guilt: Whenever I catch myself enjoying my time off, I feel guilty and wonder whether I have the right to enjoy myself given the circumstances.

So there you have it: two positives, two negatives. Truly mixed feelings.

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I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!