"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how big your God is."

I believe in God.

Saturday, October 13, 2012


A lot has been happening to me recently. It's hard to find the words, but I know I will feel better (and probably lean less heavily on my friends, which would be a good thing) once I blog about it.

I am in the middle of a bipolar episode. For the past week or two (so hard to remember dates etc.!) I have been dealing with bouts of depression, mania, and the occasional psychotic symptoms--sometimes all three in one day.

Then tonight I had a bit of a "falling out" with a friend. Something she said made me realize fully that there was a problem in our relationship. (I had suspected there might be for a while now.) When I gently "teased" her, she told me that she felt I was leaning on her too much.

Especially considering my mental state right now, I am extremely proud of my reaction to that information. Totally calmly, I said "OK. Thank you for letting me know; call me out on it next time." Then we went to pray. After evening prayers, I caught up to her as she was leaving and said, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I hope I've saved the friendship."

So now we will wait and see. I have a few theories about what went wrong, but none that I want to share right now. I just wanted to tell about the incident, and the episode in general.

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I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!