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"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how big your God is."

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Thursday, March 28, 2013

Damned Hard

I travel back to school today, to pick up classes again tomorrow.  As well as taking classes and doing the homework, I must also apply for summer jobs and internships, as well as considering summer courses as a way to make up the credits I dropped for my medical leave last fall.  It's going to be a big job.

On top of that, I have again realized on a deep, emotional level that I am a homosexual Jew, and that is hard.  As a matter of fact, it is damned hard to be a homosexual Jew.  I am a minority in two ways, and also a minority within a minority, and the minority within which I am a minority doesn't fully accept me.  That's a hard truth to handle.

Moreover, I can talk about God deliberately creating me the way I am until I am blue in the face, but it's hard to keep that faith alive when I have no evidence.  I am aware that by definition faith implies a lack of evidence, but I guess I got spoiled by my visions and other supernatural experiences I let myself have before we knew they were dangerous: I like evidence.

With no evidence for acceptability or decency of who I am, I sometimes just feel malformed.  It is damned hard to be a homosexual Jew.  Damned hard.

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I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!