Damned Hard

I travel back to school today, to pick up classes again tomorrow.  As well as taking classes and doing the homework, I must also apply for summer jobs and internships, as well as considering summer courses as a way to make up the credits I dropped for my medical leave last fall.  It's going to be a big job.

On top of that, I have again realized on a deep, emotional level that I am a homosexual Jew, and that is hard.  As a matter of fact, it is damned hard to be a homosexual Jew.  I am a minority in two ways, and also a minority within a minority, and the minority within which I am a minority doesn't fully accept me.  That's a hard truth to handle.

Moreover, I can talk about God deliberately creating me the way I am until I am blue in the face, but it's hard to keep that faith alive when I have no evidence.  I am aware that by definition faith implies a lack of evidence, but I guess I got spoiled by my visions and other supernatural experiences I let myself have before we knew they were dangerous: I like evidence.

With no evidence for acceptability or decency of who I am, I sometimes just feel malformed.  It is damned hard to be a homosexual Jew.  Damned hard.