Indices of Me

WORD OF WARNING: In this post, I am choosing to make myself very vulnerable because I value showing readers the real me.  If I get nasty comments, not only will I not post them, I will take down this post entirely as well.  You have been warned.

I am bisexual, therefore queer.  I am also observant-Jewish, disabled, and feminine.  In my Lesbians/Gay Men and Society Class, I am fairly sure I am the only one bringing all three of those identity indices to the table of queer identity.

Has it been hard? Yes, it's been damn hard, and it continues to be hard every. single. day.

It is HARD to "tremble before God" (there's a documentary of that title about Ultra-Orthodox, homosexual Jews, and I find that's the best way to put it) knowing that Judaism as a system, if not the Jews I know in particular, disapproves of the choices I may one day make.

It is HARD to know that my two chronic conditions make me less attractive on the dating market. There are no two ways about it; they do.  People don't want to date someone who's "broken," certainly not at my age.

My femininity, on the other hand, I count as an advantage.  We've been talking a lot in class about "passing," both "passing" when/because you can and "passing" when/because you have to.  Either way, I can "pass" as straight with very little extra effort as to wardrobe, mannerisms, etc. and that is a distinct advantage--it shouldn't be, but it is.

So I guess in the end it's a mixed bag.  I have issues that make me less attractive on the dating scene, but I can "pass" as straight more easily.  And the religion thing? I can only hope it will sort itself out with time.  With God's help, and with time.