"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how big your God is."

I believe in God.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Not Good News, or Bringing my Readers up to Speed

It has been a long time since I posted here.

I have been struggling with chronic condition symptoms, from both conditions; and also struggling with how to put those experiences into words.

I am in a lot of pain, and very impaired.  I have switched which synagogue I go to, from the Conservative one where I really fit religiously, but it's a mile away; to one five blocks away that I can always get to, but it's Orthodox.  I do think this switch is permanent, and when it comes time to think about synagogue membership again next year, I think I will switch.  It is not as bad as it could be: the Rabbi's kids are all my age and all really like me (what's not to like about the only other religiously committed young person in your area?) and I am really bonding with his daughter, who, for purposes of this blog, I will call Leah.

In terms of physical impairment though...everything hurts, all the time.  I am on multiple pain medications, prescribed by two different doctors...a good day is when I only need two doses.  I cannot hold a full size prayer book or stand up when the Torah scroll is carried around during services.  I can barely do stairs.  I can barely walk.  And it may never get better than this.

I also struggled recently with mental illness symptoms.  Due to what I thought were two short episodes (one about a month before the school year started, and one right after school started, each lasting about two weeks), but which my psychiatrist says were actually one long episode, I am on medical leave until next semester.  I simply could not cope with the requirements of my program. That said, I. Hate. It.  I hate being idle, not in school, not working.

When I go back to school, I will be taking a reduced course load.  My adviser wanted me to take two courses (a full load is four); I talked her into letting me sign up for three, on the understanding that if it turned out to be too much, I would drop the "extra" one during add/drop, so as not to incur another W grade.  It is awful to know I cannot fully do school, but everyone in my life (both parents, adviser, me) agree "better safe than sorry" right now; nobody wants to see me lose another semester.

Also, my adviser has decided to hand pick my professors to be a "good fit."  She says she and the department did not know enough about my condition at the beginning of this year, and they will do better next time.  I have conflicted emotions about all this.  On the one hand, I really do not want to be so sick that I need this much help...on the other, if I am sick, I am sick, no way around it; and I did not ask, she offered.

So that is what has been going on in my world recently.  It is not good news, but I thought it only fair to bring my readers up to speed.  And you know what? I will get through this.  I always have; I always will.

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I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!