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Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Frantic

I am worried, frightened, terrified...in a word, yes, frantic, about the well being of my "Jacob."  And I know I posted all this two days ago, and again yesterday, but this is my blog where I record feelings; I'm still feeling the feelings about him today, so I am going to post them again.

First of all, for years and years--ever since I first started praying for him, May 28th 2013--I assumed that the pictures on Reece's Rainbow were baby pictures, and that Jacob happened to be a thin baby.  I assumed that not because it was impossible that things would be otherwise (yes I know orphanages regularly starve children), but because it was too impossible to contemplate things being otherwise. No other child for whom I'd prayed looked that thin, that little, that lost.  A couple days ago, however, I realized something: to the best of my knowledge, Reece's Rainbow gets their pictures around the time when they list the kids.  That's no baby in that photo..."Jacob" would have been very nearly three years old.

Second of all, I no longer have any idea what-all is wrong with him, and that frightens me.  I have written here, all along, that he has Down Syndrome and a heart condition.  I believe he has the heart condition, which is now described as much more complex and serious than it was before this update. However, the website does not say he has Down Syndrome; the direct quote is "Jacob's tests suggest Down Syndrome."  Here's the thing: a test can't "suggest" Down Syndrome.  All you need to do is test for an extra chromosome: the child either has it or s/he doesn't.

Even if "Jacob" does have Down Syndrome, at this point I'm convinced that's not all he has.  (That was my mother's suggestion first, actually, but it makes too much sense to ignore.)  At the age of six, SIX, "Jacob" can roll over, but not sit or crawl; and he can throw toys and track them with his eyes. I have perused updates of kids on that site for years.  They always point out the kids' best skills and attributes.  "Jacob's" description pointing out that he can track objects with his eyes means that's the best he can do.  Does anyone need reminding that he's SIX YEARS OLD?

Over the years, I have really come to care about "Jacob"...or at least the little I know of him over the internet.  Every time I think, talk, or write about his current situation, my eyes burn and I have to wink back tears.  That never happened with any other child for whom I have been Prayer Warrior.

But then, I haven't actively "prayed home" any other child for nearly as long.  The child for whom I prayed longest, other than "Jacob," was "Rheann," whom I gave up on after her country outlawed American adoptions and Reece's Rainbow reallocated the kids' grant money.  "Rheann" had been "mine" for about a year and a half at that point.  My first child, "Grady," found a home in a matter of months after I started praying for him, and my third, "Isabella," in a matter of weeks.

I have no idea if what I do does any good.  It's not that I have no idea if God listens--I know God too intimately for that, and I can tell you all right now, for a fact, that God listens--it's that I'm not sure what God does with the listening.  Certainly God doesn't save every starving, disabled child on the planet just because s/he has someone praying for him/her; but whether God can't, or just doesn't, or what or why, I'm not sure.

So I have to keep trying to get God to work a miracle on "Jacob's" behalf.  And I do try.  (I write this paragraph not trying to get anyone's approval of me, but just because I am recording thoughts.)  I pray for "Jacob" in the Personal Prayers section of the Central Standing Prayer every time I pray it during the week, currently three times daily, as required.  I also talk to God a little bit about "Jacob" right before I go to sleep at night.  "Jacob's" picture is on my computer screen; I whisper prayers for him every time I see it.  I also write letters to God...many letters to God...about him.  I counted the other day; I have more than 30 letters to God just about "Jacob!"

So in the end, that's all I can do: "storm Heaven," as my Christian compatriots would say, trying to make a difference.  This new information isn't new to "Jacob's" life, or to the All-Knowing God.  It's only new to me.

It's only new to me.  Nothing has changed.

And I will end the post with "Jacob's" pictures.

 Jacob smJacob

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I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!