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"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how big your God is."

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Saturday, November 3, 2012

I no longer know You: An Open Letter

Dear God,

Hurricane Sandy has left me questioning and questioning the "why"s and "how"s of Your existence. I do not doubt that You exist but I am in turmoil as I try to make sense of Your nature.

My home town was barely touched by the hurricane. I would say it was a miracle, but I have seen pictures of the damage elsewhere. To call what happened or didn't happen to me a miracle would be to say You ordained it. If You ordained my survival and lack of damage, then You ordained the power loss, the flooding, the deaths of hundreds--and that I am not willing to accept.

Rest assured that I will now be actively seeking for answers. Regardless of how much I am or am not praying ritually, I will continue to compose my own prayers as I read works of Jewish philosophy in search of You. I want a relationship with You, God, just not the one I have now.

Hurricane Sandy has knocked me over theologically, to the point where I can honestly say that I no longer know You. I know You exist, but not Who You are. To a certain extent I will never know Who You are, but right now I know it least of all, and I am sad and mad and bewildered.

I feel betrayed.
I feel hurt.
I feel lost.

Good night, God.

(I'm not signing this one "Love"),
Your Girl.

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I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!