"Don't tell God how big your storm is; tell your storm how big your God is."

I believe in God.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Visions, and a Friend

First of all, I have been "teetering on the edge of visions" (my mother's words) for approximately a week now. Almost every time I pray, I feel that potential. I cannot take myself up on it, however, for we have found that it leads to, or at least correlates with, bipolar episodes.

For the reasons outlined above, I have developed a series of actions to stop visions before they start, or at least abruptly abort them very early on. My visions usually start when I have my eyes closed, so the first thing I always do is open my eyes. If that doesn't do it, I scrunch up my toes in my shoes--because of the RND, that "wakes me up" so to speak. If neither of those works, I simply shake myself like a wet animal trying to dry off.

I have thought of two metaphors to describe my life during "vision possible" phases. One is the match metaphor and one is the hallway metaphor. See below:

The match metaphor: Everybody in the world holds an unlit match. For most people, there is no way to light the match; they simply hold an unlit match. I and others who have similar abilities/opportunities, on the other hand, can see and approach the fire (i.e. the Divine). Once the match is lit, it can burn for a while without hurting my hand. (That would be the visions.) The problem is, I never know how long the matchstick is, so I can never risk lighting it, lest it burn me (cause a bipolar episode).

The hallway metaphor: In front of me when I pray is a hallway, with one door at each end. I have no control over whether and when the door at my end opens. Once it's open, however, I can pretty much choose whether or not to walk down the hallway, and I can pretty much come back at any given time. Similarly, were I to choose to proceed, I would not have control over what I encountered, but I could control my reaction to it.

 Perfect example: Several years ago, before we knew I was bipolar, I was having a vision where I saw endless stripes of color, and I knew that I was surrounded by the energy of the universe. I knew also that I could play with it, so I grabbed it and tied a knot in it; then, realizing that that knot might affect the whole world, I untied it.

 If I got all the way down the hallway, and the other door opened, I would meet God. (No, of course this has never happened and almost certainly never will.) Again, the problem is that I just cannot accurately predict the length of the hallway.

Also, somewhat related: I have a new friend! For the purposes of this blog, I will call her "Anita." "Anita" believes in my visions! She is always willing to listen to me talk about them. I try to listen to her talk about her interests, too. After all, that's what friends are for. I may not have gotten much chance to practice friend interactions growing up, (I posted about that on one of my blogs--not sure which one--once, but quickly deleted the posts.) but I am now making up for lost time and on a steep learning curve. Good for me!

Also, "yelling" today for the Down Syndrome boys, ages 3-5, on Reece's Rainbow. Please do whatever you can to stop them from becoming "lost boys."

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I am a bipolar, Jewish young adult (had my Hebrew birthday, the one I count, and turned 23 this past January) who also suffers from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. I love life and I live for my best friends: they are my purpose and my reason for trying so hard. I remain passionately devoted to those I love; I will not let my disorders make me totally self-centered. I like to read, write, and sew. My Rabbinical school plans did not work out, and I am now hoping to go into the field of Early Childhood Education. Please note: I am currently maintaining only Carried in His Hands. Enjoy!